Tag: novelty

I Got Brain Skull Candle Holder Set

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Brain Skull Candle Holder Set
This I Got Brain Skull Candle Holder Set lets you burn brains as candles, while inside of skulls. Hey I got brain too. Nah. I lied. I can’t brain today. I can barely even adult.

The seller’s name is Brainfart55. Is that your ask or your IQ? Hahahahaha. Both? Cool. Nah. I kid, I kid. Now if you’ll excuse me I am going to draw a hot bath and burn some brain candles.

*Falls asleep in the tub*

Wakes up to see all of the gooey brain mass dripping out of the skull and jumps like 10 feet! Jeebus Christ! I thought someone had been shot! This is why I can’t have relaxing baths!

Large Whale Submarine Cutaway

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Large Whale Men Submarine Cutaway
All aboard! This Large Whale Submarine Cutaway lets you experience the inner workings of the largest mammals on Earth and see the men inside who drive them. They aren’t the dwarfs and elves I thought they were. It’s a whale of a good time.

A great catch. The deadliest catch? Enough sea references. I heard you telling me to shut my blow-hole. Well shiver me timbers and quiver me giblets, my giblets ain’t been this quivered since me timbers were delivered. That there is wordstuff coming full circle matey. Yer mind be blown. *Hand gestures explosion*
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Giant Hamburger Stool: Not What It Sounds Like

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giant hamburger stool
This Giant Hamburger Stool is not what it sounds like. I’m talking an actual stool you sit on, not a stool of the sample variety. Why do doctor’s need that anyway?

“Your fecal matter tested high in hamburger and very little else. Good God man, do you live in McDonalds? That is the hardest log I have ever seen. No wonder it took you 2 weeks to get back to us.” Well, I do frequent the establishment of the red-headed clown. *Doc writes a prescription* “Take this to the nearest pharmacy, called a ‘grocery store’ and have the pharmacist, I mean clerk help you out. It’s called salad. Eat it.”

I was going to. But then I realized that they already put a leaf of this stuff on my hamburgers, so I’m good.

via Uniquehunters

Cocaine Labeled Kitchen Accessories

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Cocaine Kitchen Accessories
*Wipes nose.* Don’t worry, I hid the stuff real good man. *Sniff* No one is ever gonna find it. *Involuntary arm jerk.* F**kin’ feds! *Sniff. Snort.* It’s in the one labeled cocaine!

Hide that Yeyo in the last place they would expect to find it. In a kitchen accessory labeled Cocaine. MoreThanPorcelain sells several kitchen items like sugar pots and creamers, all labeled Cocaine. Cuz you know, it helps to label stuff, even if all you have is plain old sugar in your sugar pot.

Ventriloquist Mask Makes You The Dummy

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Ventriloquist Mask
This Ventriloquist Mask makes you the dummy. Wait. Isn’t the Ventriloquist always the dummy? And the dummy is always the ventriloquist. Man, it’s confusing when one dude talks as another without moving his lips. Also, ventriloquist is really hard to spell. I googled it to check the spelling and it said, “F**k that. Too hard.” Hope I got it right, because the first time I spelled it “ventrilo-queff-ist” and I’m like, really? No way is that right cuz one person can NOT fart for another without moving their lips.

Anyway, this mask makes you look like a dummy. Also like Alfred E. Newman. What me worry? Nah. I never worry. Unless I see this face coming at me. Then I’m screaming like a banshee. And by banshee I mean little girl.