Tag: novelty

Brain Bowls: It’s All Brain Food Now

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brain bowls
Brains! Brains! The magical bowls.
Zombies eat ’em to get their lols.

Buy some today, be a good consumer,
Send yours back if it has a tumor.

Drop ’em and watch them shatter,
Lining your kitchen with Fruity Pebbles and grey matter.

These brain bowls are awesome, but they’re going to attract all of the neighborhood zombies for sure. No! Bad Zombie. You can have the Lucky Charms I poured you, but don’t eat the bowl. No. No! Don’t make me get the spray bottle.
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Racing Grannies: My Granny Beats Your Granny Any Day

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racing grannies
Is this how they race grannies nowadays. Puhlease! In my day all you had to do was have like 4 old people in a minivan, park, and say, “Hey, look, a Cracker Barrel!” Then just watch the magic happen. Of course the pit crew are the real heroes of any elder race. It takes a special group of men to tighten the screws on walkers, make sure they have only pennies in their coin purse and empty any colostomy bags, before helping them to down an entire can of Ensure and be on their way. Lastly, slap some dentures in that bad boy or girl from the top front and smack ’em on the bottom to get them going.

It’s much faster with these Racing Grannies toys. Plus you don’t have to listen to a bunch of stories you’ve heard a million times. And it doesn’t smell like last century either.

Freddy Krueger High Heels

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freddy krueger high heels
One, two, Freddy’s got a new shoe. Three, Four, his ankles are sore. Well, when you see Freddy in dreams you’re bound to see him wearing everything at some point. The last time I saw Freddy he was wearing a cow-print moo-moo over a bikini. Dreams are messed up! He knows what I like. I’ll say that.

These Freddy Krueger High Heels will let you walk all over Freddy. Literally. They have melted Freddy flesh in front, the stripes from his sweater and claws in the back. They are probably cushioned with the soles of his victims. Soles. Heh. I know what you’re thinking. What the heel kinda joke is that? Just a little something I cobbled together. Shoe humor. Don’t judge me. At least not until…

Get it? Who gets it? I am a friggin’ rock star. The guy outside 7-11 was right. These meds really work. Just found my new doctor!
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Fill ‘Em Full Of Lead With The Zombie Pencil/Pen Holder

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

zombie pen holder
Man this feels so good! I killed my first zombie. Take that you undead puke! Just filled him full of lead! *You shot him?* Well, I stabbed him with my pencil. *You’re an idiot!*

Yeah, well you don’t have a zombie corpse on your desk. I’m a stone cold killer! I am the man! I am slightly afraid to remove the pencil though. Can you do it? He might bite my finger. *Why, is his name Charlie?* Haha, you’re funny! Thank you Mister voice in my head. Thank you for teaching me how to love and laugh again!

Nicolas Cage Meme iPhone Cases

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nicolas cage i phone case
Your iPhone is a powerful device, even if they do keep “upgrading” it every year and giving you the bare minimum in new features for a sweet high price. See, that right there is why I use a flip phone. Well, your crazy expensive phone is about to get even more powerful. Unlock the power of Nicolas Cage and let him hug your phone with his dead unblinking eyes, like the Shakespearean acting sloth that he is. Your smartphone will never be the same.

Choose from Pepperoni Pizza face Cage, Mona Lisa Cage, Illuminati Cage, Our Lord Cage, Astronaut Cage and Renaissance Woman Cage. Get all the Nic Cages. You gotta catch ’em all!
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