Tag: novelty

Star Wars Lightsaber House Keys

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

light saber key cover
These Star Wars Lightsaber keys would totally destroy you plain old house key in a fight. *Makes cool lightsaber sounds* Pretty awesome. But WTF? You have to train in a swamp just to learn Jedi powers? What is Yoda gonna make me do to earn a friggin’ Lightsaber key? I suppose I have to do fancy Jedi moves around my neighborhood with him on my back!

Not enough it is to feel the force. You must use the force to pick up this dog doody. *concentrates as dog doody hovers in mid-air* Good very good. Higher it must go. Feel the force flow through the doody. You and the doody are one. Feel it’s corn. Be one with the stink. Higher still, you must lift it. Good. Now drop the doody in that chimney, you must!

WTF Yoda?

Judged me by my size, that one did. Know where he lives, I do. Pay now, he will!

Freddy Krueger Skin Marble Coasters

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

freddy krueger drink coasters
One, two, Freddy’s coming for you. Three, four, better lock your door. Five, six, these Freddy Krueger skin coasters are sick! Freddy wants to protect your furniture from drink spills and those horrible sweat rings. What better way to do this than to rip off some of his own flesh and set it down on your table?

You have to hand it to Freddy. He may be all burnt and melted, but one thing he doesn’t have is acne. Butt-ne? Probably. We all have that right! *crickets* No? Just me? No way! Like I’m the only guy rubbing a bottle Clearasil on each cheek! Whatevs!

I bet the skin sticks to your glass when you try to lift it up too. Nasty!

One, two, Freddy’s skin is goo. Three, four, ain’t gonna drink no more. Now I’m scared and have to stay up all night. Damn you Freddy!

Bear Paw Serving Bowl

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

bear paw serving bowl
This bear paw serving bowl is how a real man eats his Chex party mix. Preferably from a bear you hunted yourself, but since I only like to act tough, I’ll just buy this serving bowl and act all macho. Right up until the wife gives me an ear full about how party mix is bad for me and I cower and whimper when she takes it away. Party mix bad? How could any party be bad? I guess I’ll just have to grin and bear it. Heh heh! I write these things up like I’m bustin’ a rhyme.

Yo yo!
My prose is grizzly
The weather is drizzly
Brown bear, polar, I don’t give a cluck
I see him come rollin, I run straight for my truck.
Gun it down the highway, nothing but cryin’
Did you poop your pants?
Of course I’m lyin’!

Take A Bite Out Of Laundry: Shark Laundry Hamper

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

shark laundry basket.jpg
This Shark Laundry Hamper has a lot to teach us about how we deal with sharks in the wild. You’ll notice that the idea is to throw your dirty and nasty clothes into the shark’s mouth. It’s fun, but also educational.

Pro tip: Humans perspire. We are dirty, stinky, nasty creatures that smell like a dog’s bunghole at the end of the day if we don’t bath and use soap and stuff. So don’t go in the water until you haven’t bathed for a good 2 weeks. When you do, go in fully clothed. And when attacked by a shark, throw your nasty human feces smelling second skins in the shark’s food-hole.

If Roy Scheider had done that in the first place it would have saved me a good 2 hours of terror!

Burrito Camera Lens Wrap

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

camera burrito
The Photorito Lens Wrap is a neoprene burrito that protects your camera lens and keeps it in great shape. Also great for when you are going all James Bond and spying on people, while pretending to enjoy a nice fat burrito and read the paper. Oh, hey! Looks like the Cubs won today-

*Crunch*

Holy hell! Why? Why do I keep forgetting that there’s a camera lens in that burrito? Holy hell! The pain! *Quickly picking up teeth from the floor while holding my jaw and crying.* See this is why the British (Or any) government won’t hire me as a spy. Which is a damn shame cuz I could use some free dental.