Tag: novelty

Zip Up, Zip Down: The Zipper Necklace

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

zipper necklace
Be super stylish and fashion forward with this Zipper Necklace, whether you are zipped up or zipped down. Little known fact: I have a zipper phobia, better known by it’s Latin name Penicus-Caughticus-Zipperus. Every time I look at a zipper I scream as if in pain and go down on my knees while clutching my man-junk. Not a pretty sight.

No way I could date a woman with this accessory. Every time I looked at her chest(Which I would do often because I’m a guy) I would be doubled over, holding my pee-pee. I guess it wasn’t meant to be my love. You should have chosen a button-fly necklace. Ado ado. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Owie! It hurts again!

Asylum For The Insane Note Card Set

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

insane stationary
I have stationary like this from when my wife had her “little vacation”. Kept saying I drove her crazy! That’s insane! And just not true! But I did drive her right up to the front doors of the asylum. They gave me some sweet swag like this Asylum For The Insane Notecard Set and a bunch of pharmaceutical key chains and crap, from the pill pushers who really make people crazy. Then I drove off and partied like it was 1999, even though it was 2008. That’s just how much the booze cost.

Don’t worry, I picked her up again after a few days when I couldn’t figure out how to heat up a TV dinner and after I ruined the toaster, trying to make a grilled cheese sandwich. She felt much better being with more “normal” people. Then we just continued our relationship where we left off. Throwing heavy items at each other and then tending each other’s wounds.
Read more “Asylum For The Insane Note Card Set”

Wooden Head Knife Block

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

wood head knife block
Check out this wooden head knife block from Etsy seller DisturbingWood. Ha! DisturingWood! You should see me in the morning! *rimshot*

I need another knife block like I need a knife through my wooden head, but if you buy this one, make sure you giggle every time you slam a knife down into it, just to make your guests or housemates really uncomfortable. No charge for that tip. I have a million ways to clear a room and they don’t all involve ejecting poison gas from my butthole. Although that is my specialty.

Face Coasters: Protect Your Furniture, Change Your Face

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

face coasters
These Gentlemen’s Club Face Coasters attach to your nose and let you change your face. It beats plastic surgery! These are perfect for when you need an instant disguise.

These coasters are double sided so this set of 20 will let you choose between 40 different images. No one is going to recognize the lower half of your face. You can be an old man, choose from several mustaches, meth teeth and more. Pretty sweet!
Read more “Face Coasters: Protect Your Furniture, Change Your Face”