Tag: novelty

Drippy Ice Cream High Heels

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cupcake shoes
Damn girl! Did You survive an explosion at the ice cream factory, or did you take a hike through Candyland? I’m a smooth talker aren’t I? *Big smile. Putting on the charm* These shoes are just like you sweety. All sugar and sprinkles with a cherry on top. *notices the two mile long trail of ants literally nipping at her heels.*

Uh…Nevermind. Dessert gives me indigestion. I’ll just keep my eye open for a nice girl who won’t bring every ant in the neighborhood into my house. Maybe a girl whose shoes are burgers. The main course, that’s where it’s at. Not the flashy desserts. Meats over sweets, we do the deed with no tweets, that’s my new motto.
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Scary Plastic Surgery Costume Mask

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plastic surgery mask
This fun mask simulates the bizarre world of plastic surgery. Either that or a football coach was planning the teams next play all over this woman’s face. It could go either way, I’m not sure.

Hey, I don’t judge. You want to put cement in your dump truck to accentuate your curves, fine by me. Your the one who has to sit on that wide load all day. You wanna change your face, fine whatever. But I draw the line at animal plastic surgery. Like that time I dropped bootsy off at the vet and came back the next day. The cat had Kim Kardashian’s face. Basically a pair of lips inside a lion’s mane.

WTF doc? Do you confuse the word checkup for f**k up often?

You said give her plastic surgery.

Wait, what? Ohhh! No, I said that’s classic “perjury”! I was watching friggin’ People’s Court on my phone! WTF! Why is her ass so huge?

Well, you do a job, you do it right. I-

For f**ks sake!

Alien Head Salt And Pepper Shakers

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alien salt and pepper shakers
This set of Alien Head Salt And Pepper Shakers is what you want on the table when you abduct your next dinner guest. As any alien knows, it is only polite to feed them first, before you go anal probing the subject. Wine ’em, dine ’em, then confine ’em. That’s my motto! Wait! That came out wrong. I mean, if I was an alien.

This is a swell spread guys. You are the best dinner hosts an abductee could want. Thanks for the meal. And here I was worried that I was going to be subjected to experimentation. Ha! You guys are alright! What’s next? I have plenty of room for dessert!*rubs tummy*

*Four sets of black eyes turn toward me* The leader sends me a telepathic answer:

Uranus.

*Jaw drops to the table.* *Passes out and falls forward into a bowl of mashed potatoes.*

Rest Your Legal Tender On This Money Beanbag Chair

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money beanbag
It’s all about the Benjamins. Those soft and comfortable beanbag Benjamins. Your love of money knows no bounds, so cuddle up with a hundred dolla bill. Put your booty in Benjamin Franklin’s face and shake your money maker. Sink down deep into that green and sniff that chedda. Lay all over that sweet stash o cash. Jump on your Money beanbag chair in triumph. Cuz this is the life.

Hundred dolla bill yall!
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Sign Language Wall Clock

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sign language clock
This Sign Language Wall Clock is perfect for those of us who can’t hear and can’t read numbers at the same time. Like my senile grandpa who continues to “garden” in the sink. Poor guy. He thinks his poopy diaper is actually fertilizer he bought from the garden store and that anything from my fridge is a flower. In his defense that diaper weighs about the same by the time he drops his cargo and tears it off. Damn it gramps! Stop dipping Hot Pockets and pudding pops in poo! I’ll take that bag of corn too. Looks like that’s the one crop you grow just fine!

Even he could understand this clock. I think it should show the middle finger at 6 though, because that’s when I go to work. This guy’s costing me a fortune in food and sanitizer.