Tag: plush

Road Kill Toys: They’re In A Better Place Now

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roadkill plush toys
Road kill. There’s them that kills ’em and keeps on driving and them that eat’s ’em and thanks ’em for dyin’! Get yourself a snugly and cuddly creature who has been smooshed into a pancake with it’s guts sticking out. I’m getting one of these Road Kill Toys for my nephew. It’s educational. It will teach him to look twice before crossing the street. And make him cry.

These already-been-killed stuffed animals feature zipped sides that let you pack their spilled organs back in. Plus each one comes in its own clear plastic body bag. Nice!
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Giant Plush Squid With A Drinking Problem

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Giant Plush Squid With A Drinking Problem
This Giant Plush Squid With A Drinking Problem has been sold, which is sad. But if you ask the seller real nice, maybe they will make one for you, that also has a drinking problem.

You have a problem Squid! This is an intervention. Get those tentacles up and give me the booze now! Oh, that was easy. Thanks. I needed this, because I’m actually the one with a drinking problem. *Glog glog* Well, not a problem really. I thirst. I drink. Then I think I have a giant squid in my living room. So I know you’re just an illusion caused by my choice of rum *hiccup*

I am notch drunk. Shut yer squid mouth or I’ll shut it fer ya. Check out dis new sport. Here lemme show ya. Stand still now. Is called Kraken smackin. I’mma mess you up. *Rolls up sleeves*

*Wakes up in the morning to find the whole house destroyed*

I think it’s time to admit that I might actually have a problem. But who the f**k splattered my walls with ink?

Giant STDs: I Didn’t Do It!

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plush stds
These Giant STDs are the same itchy, rashy and sometimes puss-filled creatures you know and love, but in cuddly plush form. Man, I get all itchy just looking at them. And now that I’ve had a closer look, I think I recognize some of these guys. We go way back.

Hey, it’s my old pal herpes. I’m just gonna drop by and say hi. Just mingle, I won’t be long. I promise. Cuz once he gets going, there’s no stopping him. After that I just want to say a quick and long overdue FU to Gonorrhea and then we’re out of here.

Plush Butt Tissue Box Cover

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plush butt tissue holder
The first thing that hits me about these Plush Butt Tissue Box Covers is that these butts are always being wiped. I mean, they have to be the cleanest butts ever, plush or otherwise. If I could poop toilet paper, my butt might actually get clean. For once.

Plush Butts. It’s fun to say. Plush Butts. I have to sing it with the Duck Tales theme, cuz everything goes with the Duck Tales song.

Plush Butts. Wooo hooo. Do do do da do do do do do Plush Butts. Wooo hooo.

Plush Butts are better than slush butts. Take it from someone who has had a serious case of both in the past.

Gigantic Worry Eater: Great, Now I’m Really Worried

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plush worry eater
The idea behind this Gigantic Worry Eater is that kids can feed it their worries, fears, doubts, and anxieties. Just write down a worry or fear, shove it into its mouth, and zip its lips shut. Your worries are supposed to be gone. Problem is, this creepy, striped and head-tentacled monster is pretty effin’ scary. He’s gonna be the cause for any worries your kids have.

*Writing* Dear Worry Eater. Please don’t eat me. Please stop watching me while I sleep. Why is your fat body big enough to fit me inside? I hope this note appeases you and that in your great wisdom, you decide to spare my life. Signed, your victim for all time. P.S. Sorry for stuffing you full of dirty socks in an attempt to kill you and escape my torment.