Tag: supernatural

Yeti And Werewolf Faux Taxidermy

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Yeti and Werewolf Taxidermy
These Yeti and Werewolf heads are awesome. Why do I need a Yeti or a Werewolf head on my wall, looking like they tried to bust into my room like the Kool-Aid man, but got stuck when their fat heads came through? I just do. With a Yeti head on my wall I can have a Yeti sighting anytime I want. I’ll even go the extra mile and call it in to one of these Yeti sighting hotlines.

“Did you see a Yeti?”
Mocks her tone. Did you see a yeti? Yes. Yes I did.
“Where did you see it sir?”
In my livingroom. It’s looking at me right now.
“Are you in danger sir?”
Me? Pffft. I’m just chillin’ with a beer.
“Sir. You really should take this seriously. You are clogging up the lines for people who are really in danger.”
Whatevs. They don’t exist no how! Thanks for the drunk dialing adventure. Click.

Later that night… *Strange grinding noise is shaking the whole house. Sounds like some weird breathy electric saw too. Turns on the light to see an actual Yeti dry humping and having it’s way with my monster head.*
Oh, Hell no! Bad Yeti. Swats it with a rolled up newspaper. It runs away, darting out a window and leaving my now defiled monster head on the floor.

What the s**t! I guess they do exist!
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Grim Reaper Robe

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grim reaper
Sweeeeeet! So let me get this straight. You are going to sell me the Grim Reaper’s robe and with it, all of his powers over life and death? Just checking cuz I’ve been duped before. The last time someone promised me a Grim Reaper robe, it was actually an adolescent size Robin robe from Batman and Robin fame. There I was, fat man-gut hanging out, eye-mask and cape on, standing over some dude’s bed trying to persuade him that, “It is time!” and pointing down the hall.

It was time alright. For him to give me two black eyes and a wedgy, while holding me for the police. Yeah that’s real funny Sargeant handlebar mustache of the local PD. Yes, I reap what I sew. Oh, hilarious Blue Oyster Cult reference. Don’t fear the Reaper! You’re a barrel of laughs. You’ll be the first on my list when I buy this thing.
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Monsters in America Map

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monsters in america map
America. It’s full of monsters. Some that the government created(Chupacabra) and others that UFOs dropped off(Bigfoot). It’s hard enough just trying to stay alive by not encountering them. We need to be armed with info about what’s out there and in which states you can find these scary foes. That’s where the Monsters in America Map comes in handy.

BTW I have no idea what a “Pope Lick Monster” is, but it resides in Kentucky, which is a long way from the Vatican. Why you wanna lick a Pope? They taste all old and vinegary.

Cthulhu, Krampus, and Bigfoot Sweaters

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

monster sweatersHalloween is almost here and you know what that means. Yep. My dentist and your dentist are gonna be going to Hawaii in their new private jet. Meanwhile I’m all about cruising through traffic on my moped, trying not to pass out from tooth pain. Was probably that Twix bar and Neco wafer salad I had for lunch.

Also, it means wear a sweater. It’s getting downright cold. And since it is the season of weird scary creatures, try one of these sweaters from Middle of Beyond. These pullover sweaters and cardigans have patterns featuring Cthulhu, Bigfoot, Krampus and more.
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Jimmy , Your New Spiritual Friend

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

jimmyFor $160,000.00 you can buy Jimmy. A Spiritual friend. Well, I saved up my money and went for it. What the hell. No one else is playing D and D with me and discussing the finer points of Cheetos versus generic orange GMO sticks.

It went fine at first. I payed my money and just like in the picture, Jimmy swaggers into my house from some hyperspace orb streaming plain of existence. After he came through, he remained a creepy shadow. Dude is a jerk. Thought it was funny to stand over my bed at night and wake me up. Whatever. He just laughs in that trippy alien voice.

Came home from work one day and I catch him shadow-banging a half pound of ground beef. Dude claims it’s how he gets nutrients. Yeah? I guess that explains the hat made out of freaking sausage he wore for like a week straight, all sculpted on his head. I’m guessing he was courting the damn thing, because after about a week, he suddenly rips the thing off his head while we’re watching Netflix and stuffs it between the couch cushions, gets busy with it, has a smoke and wants me to clean it up.

I finally get Jimmy to eat like a human and guess what? They get diarrhea when they eat like that. So after coming home to “turd minefield”, last conflict of the great shadow war that is my life, I found some gypsies to work some voodoo and I sent Jimmy back where he came from, propelled by a swift kick in his shadow-ass. F U Jimmy.