Nosferatu Creepin’ Up Your Stairs…Coming To Get You

Nosferatu Creepin' Up Your Stairs
Oh hell no. Stay away from me Nosferatu. I see your shadow. Because I keep all of the lights on in case you boogeymen come to get me. All full of boogers and probably blowing your nose in some old handkerchief. I’m not scared of you. I’m just exiting the house and standing in the snow because I’m hot. That’s all. Do what you want in there. You own the place now. I’m a lover, not a fighter. I’ll sign the deed over first thing in the morning.

This is actually how I lost my first house, by giving it away to a Nosferatu vinyl decal I forgot was there. I hope he’s happy on his one wall, with no one to scream like a sissy every time I would turn the corner.

So basically what you have here is Nosferatu on vinyl. Great album. Had classics like, The Transylvania Twerk, It’s Raining Blood(Hallelujah), The Nosferatu Shuffle, You Are The Wind Beneath My Bat-Wings and my personal favorite, Your Neck, My Mouth.

Monster Travel Pillow

Monster Travel Pillows
This is a fun Monster Travel Pillow. It is cute and cartoony and fun. It even has nice “meat” definition on that arm. But I think the seller might be a serial killer. What’s up with that blood all over your mannequin’s face? Damn. Didn’t you ever see Dexter? That’s why you prep the room with clear plastic sheets. Otherwise, the next thing you know you have a bloody mannequin head on Etsy.

Anyway, I might buy this travel pillow just to have an arm around my neck while I’m watching movies. I’ll let it have the remote and see what’s on because of it’s huge hand. I also might occasionally slap myself with that huge hand just because. Is it weird that I want to pick on those scabs as if they were my own? I’m weird like that.

Shave And Play Barbie Doll

Shave And Play Barbie
Damn Barbie. You really let yourself go! Shave and Play Barbie is hairy as hell and ready for a trim! I thought this was a wolfman doll at first. Or a limited edition sasquatch Barbie. Or an Oregon hipster wife Barbie. Nope, just Barbie going all natural and letting that hair grow. And grow. And grow. It comes with a razor included to make her all silky smooth. She’s got a beard, neck hair, chest hair, leg hair, probably even some butt hair.

She did it Fur Ken. She wants to be fur-ever yours. Damn Barbie. You live in a Malibu beach house so I know you can afford a razor. Seriously, SHAVE and PLAY. In that order. Do not PLAY and SHAVE. This beast needs to be dealt with right now! Even Bigfoot be like, “What? Girl you crazy.”
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Creepy Clown Mug

Creepy Clown Mug
This Creepy Clown Mug is not going to help with my Coulrophobia. That’s fear of clowns. I didn’t know what it was either until my doctor diagnosed it and prescribed me a bucket full of Quaaludes and anti-clown meds. At the pharmacy, they handed me a KFC sized bucket that looked like a race car cuz it was sponsored by so many drug companies.

Actually I fear anything in makeup. I’ve been known to freak out in stores when I accidentally wander into the makeup department. This clown is creepy as all hell. He looks like he has real teeth and I want to punch them. I’m not afraid of you. Do you hear me? You’re just a mug! Besides, you’re not the boss of me. I can be brave! No don’t set it on the table! *Runs out the door screaming.*
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Monster Valentines Day Cards

Creepy Valentines Day Cards 2
Don’t be a monster. Treat your girl or guy right this Valentine’s Day. Give them these Monster Valentines Day Cards. The real monsters are the ones that show up empty handed during VD. These remind me of those fun cards everyone was giving each other in school when I was a kid. Well, I wasn’t getting any. Not much has changed. I’m all grown up and still not getting any.

It’s cool, I usually buy myself 5 pounds of assorted chocolates and lock myself in my room for the day. It’s just like what I imagine the life-cycle of real love is like: A whirlwind romance, with a lot of time spent between the sheets and before you know it, you wake up cramping and not being able to poop for a week. Just guessing.

Anywho these monster valentines are pretty cool. They feature various horror monsters carrying a girl off with a heart behind them. And the girl doesn’t even look that scared compared to that time I tried it and ended up in the Police Station overnight until they decided I was too stupid to be the local serial killer. Unless I was a copy cat. I was like, “no way, I don’t copy. I’m 100 percent original in what I do.” For some reason that made them change their mind and I stayed much longer.