Author: Artemis Winterford

Public Toilet Survival Kit

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public toilet kit
I find this Public Toilet Survival Kit very lacking in the real necessities for surviving a public toilet. Or should I say, pubic toilet since you will more than likely find some guys whole bush of pubes on the seat? My ideal public toilet survival items?

Magazine- I might be a while. Also helps to fan the stink around. Swat some flies.

Second magazine- This one you just throw in the toilet. It blocks other people’s nasty pee and poop larvae from splashing up into your butt more effectively than toilet paper. TP just does not prevent the upsplash after you drop a log.

Third magazine- I recommend a tabloid. In the event that the TP is out, you can smear some celebrity faces with your fecal fudge. The smile I get from smearing Kim Kardashian’s face with my brownie maker is priceless.

Use my 3 magazine system in conjunction with this survival kit and you will be just fine in even the nastiest bathroom.
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Crazy Scary Horror Dioramas

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horror dioramas
It’s time to talk about terror on a tiny scale. *You mean your peen?* Very funny, but no. Why can’t you be like all of the ladies and just leave him alone? No, I’m talking about small scale dioramas with weird-ass stuff going on in them.

Etsy seller OminousPossessions creates all kinds of dark and disturbing mini dioramas. Stuff like Freakshows, Freddy Kreuger vs Jason Voorhees, killer clowns with blood everywhere. Dude’s got a deranged mind, but at least he’s working through it by painting miniatures.

I work through my issues with small art all the time myself. Small Art is my “little person” therapist. I spend half of my sessions just trying to work through my fear of little people. The other half trying to get the guy to stop crying like a baby. He’s a little sensitive. What? You are a little person AND a therapist. You never thought this would come up? I got issues!
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Deep Sea Critter Lid Lifters

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deep sea critter lid lifter
These Deep Sea Critter Lid Lifters are cool. You know what sea creatures hate? Pots that boil over. I know from personal experience because my wife is a raging sea hag and she can’t even cook a bowl of noodles. *dodges a bowl of flying boiling water* You missed me bi-

Update: Typing this from the library now because boiling water and blogging do not mix. Been picking boiled pasta from my keyboard for 2 hours. I’ll be headed to a Best Buy right after, so I can get screwed on a new laptop and no, if it doesn’t cover a rampaging wife from hell, I don’t want your warranty!

Anyway, where was I? Yeah, so these lid lifters look like sea creatures escaping from your boiling pot. That’s what all the food looks like in my house. Like me, everything just wants to escape her clutches. Looks like it’s going to be another night dining at Chez Kit-Kat with a side of Burger King. I better call Cthulhu and see if she simmered down before I head home. Also gonna get a waterproof case for my new laptop.

Wear This Pizza Hat To Pizza Hut

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pizza hat
Mama mia! Why you a wear da pizza on your head? Pizza hat! Hmmm. Tough choice. Pizza Hut or Pizza Hat? Imma do both. All the fine Pizza Hut ladies are going to be eyeing my pepperoni. They might even think I own the place. They’ll invite me backstage so I can see how the pizza is made, ask for my autograph.

Then when it’s time to go, I’ll pick up my pizza hat and slam it on my head. And since it was a piping hot pizza and not my hat, half my face will be burnt off and I really will own the place thanks to a sweet lawsuit and a shady lawyer. It’s criminal to let just anyone back there with hot lava pizzas. Especially an idiot like me.

You guys should totally come check out my new franchise. I’m gonna do what they should have done a long time ago. Get the rights to Jabba the Hutt and market the shizz out of these pizzas. Free slice to anyone wearing pizza clothing. Ladies, give me your number and I’ll stuff your crust while you wrap me in bacon. Cool? Life is sweet for a pizza entrepreneur.

Leaping Lizards: Handmade Costumes For Bearded Dragons

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lizard costumes
Etsy seller PamperedBeardies makes all kinds Handmade clothes for lizards, because you don’t want lizards just waving their junk all over the place. Hey, I have a beard! Nobody ever pampers me. Well, except for that one night in the hotel with the midget, but that was a box of Huggies, not Pampers. And as far as I know I got rid of all of the evidence afterwards, except for the talcum powder smell.

Get your lizard an awesome shark costume, Princess Leia, a Mexican Fiesta costume, the Easter Bunny and more. What, no tuxedo? No business suit? What if my lizard wants a career?
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