Author: Artemis Winterford

Wooden Head Knife Block

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wood head knife block
Check out this wooden head knife block from Etsy seller DisturbingWood. Ha! DisturingWood! You should see me in the morning! *rimshot*

I need another knife block like I need a knife through my wooden head, but if you buy this one, make sure you giggle every time you slam a knife down into it, just to make your guests or housemates really uncomfortable. No charge for that tip. I have a million ways to clear a room and they don’t all involve ejecting poison gas from my butthole. Although that is my specialty.

Face Coasters: Protect Your Furniture, Change Your Face

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face coasters
These Gentlemen’s Club Face Coasters attach to your nose and let you change your face. It beats plastic surgery! These are perfect for when you need an instant disguise.

These coasters are double sided so this set of 20 will let you choose between 40 different images. No one is going to recognize the lower half of your face. You can be an old man, choose from several mustaches, meth teeth and more. Pretty sweet!
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Drippy Ice Cream High Heels

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cupcake shoes
Damn girl! Did You survive an explosion at the ice cream factory, or did you take a hike through Candyland? I’m a smooth talker aren’t I? *Big smile. Putting on the charm* These shoes are just like you sweety. All sugar and sprinkles with a cherry on top. *notices the two mile long trail of ants literally nipping at her heels.*

Uh…Nevermind. Dessert gives me indigestion. I’ll just keep my eye open for a nice girl who won’t bring every ant in the neighborhood into my house. Maybe a girl whose shoes are burgers. The main course, that’s where it’s at. Not the flashy desserts. Meats over sweets, we do the deed with no tweets, that’s my new motto.
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Fifty Shades of Bacon

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fifty shades of bacon
Now this is the kind of erotic book I can get behind. Nah. Not really. That’d be gross and page after page of people rubbing bacon all over themselves. That’s a waste of bacon. No, this Fifty Shades of Bacon book is a cookbook that delivers the “full bacon experience”.

This is 62 pages with 50 recipes. If I could give awards to books, this one would win my “Golden Coronary” of excellence award. But even if a book won an award, how does a book give an acceptance speech? Simply by reading itself and thereby proclaiming it’s excellence. Bacon. Enough said.

Pro tip: Never judge a book by it’s cover. At first I thought this was a bacon identification guide illustrating fifty shades of bacon color and telling you which are good to eat and which would kill ya from being in the fridge too long. Or not in the fridge at all.

Scary Plastic Surgery Costume Mask

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plastic surgery mask
This fun mask simulates the bizarre world of plastic surgery. Either that or a football coach was planning the teams next play all over this woman’s face. It could go either way, I’m not sure.

Hey, I don’t judge. You want to put cement in your dump truck to accentuate your curves, fine by me. Your the one who has to sit on that wide load all day. You wanna change your face, fine whatever. But I draw the line at animal plastic surgery. Like that time I dropped bootsy off at the vet and came back the next day. The cat had Kim Kardashian’s face. Basically a pair of lips inside a lion’s mane.

WTF doc? Do you confuse the word checkup for f**k up often?

You said give her plastic surgery.

Wait, what? Ohhh! No, I said that’s classic “perjury”! I was watching friggin’ People’s Court on my phone! WTF! Why is her ass so huge?

Well, you do a job, you do it right. I-

For f**ks sake!