Author: Artemis Winterford

Alien Head Salt And Pepper Shakers

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

alien salt and pepper shakers
This set of Alien Head Salt And Pepper Shakers is what you want on the table when you abduct your next dinner guest. As any alien knows, it is only polite to feed them first, before you go anal probing the subject. Wine ’em, dine ’em, then confine ’em. That’s my motto! Wait! That came out wrong. I mean, if I was an alien.

This is a swell spread guys. You are the best dinner hosts an abductee could want. Thanks for the meal. And here I was worried that I was going to be subjected to experimentation. Ha! You guys are alright! What’s next? I have plenty of room for dessert!*rubs tummy*

*Four sets of black eyes turn toward me* The leader sends me a telepathic answer:

Uranus.

*Jaw drops to the table.* *Passes out and falls forward into a bowl of mashed potatoes.*

Post Apocalyptic Steampunk Mickey Mouse Gas Mask

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

mickey gas mask
If Disney is to survive the apocalypse, someone is going to have to be Mickey Mouse. Go on. Put the mask on. It is your destiny. Give in to your hate. Feel the merchandising coursing through you. Hear the cries of 10 billion overweight tourists. Feel the power of the dark side.

Or just, you know, wear this thing on Halloween. Or to protect your lungs from Minnie’s farts. She may be a mini-mouse, but those farts are the farts of a 500 pound Scrooge McDuck!

Rest Your Legal Tender On This Money Beanbag Chair

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

money beanbag
It’s all about the Benjamins. Those soft and comfortable beanbag Benjamins. Your love of money knows no bounds, so cuddle up with a hundred dolla bill. Put your booty in Benjamin Franklin’s face and shake your money maker. Sink down deep into that green and sniff that chedda. Lay all over that sweet stash o cash. Jump on your Money beanbag chair in triumph. Cuz this is the life.

Hundred dolla bill yall!
Read more “Rest Your Legal Tender On This Money Beanbag Chair”

Realistic Buried Skull Garden Stones

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

skull garden stone
If I had these Realistic Skull Garden Stones, I would just kneel over it with a brush, like I’m all Indiana Jones and just dug it up. Then my neighbor would be all like, “What ya got there?” and I’d be all like, “Shut Up Flanders! Meet the ex-wife. Guess I should have buried her deeper, but digging is hard work. And she was a big woman. Guess I better do it right this time. Anyway, get off my lawn!”

Then the SWAT team and I would have a nice laugh over lunch after they Swiss-cheese my house with bullets. I would casually mention the kilo of coke I planted “saw” in my neighbor’s car and how that’s an awfully nice house and car for someone who is unemployed. Good times. That’ll teach him to mind his own business.
Read more “Realistic Buried Skull Garden Stones”

Sign Language Wall Clock

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

sign language clock
This Sign Language Wall Clock is perfect for those of us who can’t hear and can’t read numbers at the same time. Like my senile grandpa who continues to “garden” in the sink. Poor guy. He thinks his poopy diaper is actually fertilizer he bought from the garden store and that anything from my fridge is a flower. In his defense that diaper weighs about the same by the time he drops his cargo and tears it off. Damn it gramps! Stop dipping Hot Pockets and pudding pops in poo! I’ll take that bag of corn too. Looks like that’s the one crop you grow just fine!

Even he could understand this clock. I think it should show the middle finger at 6 though, because that’s when I go to work. This guy’s costing me a fortune in food and sanitizer.