Category: Just Plain Weird

Creepy Coin Eating Bank

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

creepy face coin bank
You could buy this Creepy Coin Eating Bank, but chances are you already have one. It’s called a kid. Those little wallet-thumpers eat money like there’s no tomorrow. And guess what? There is no tomorrow. Because you have kids. And no money for cool stuff. All of your tomorrows are gone. Suckers. That’ll teach ya to not wear a rubber. You don’t see me with a grubby little money-vacuum hanging off my leg. I-

*Ding-Dong!* *Opens door.* *Looks at the little fat kid that was left on my doorstep. Kid looks back.*

I know. I know. Your mom left you here, because she can no longer take care of you and she somehow thinks I have loads of money right? Shut up. I know you’re my kid, not because you’re a little fatty, although that definitely weighs in your favor. No pun intended. I know, because you’re carrying that giant box of chocolate everywhere, just like this little fatty used to do.*Fights back tears*

Take it. This is like 500 in cash. I was gonna get a new PS4 tonight. Now get out of here before we both start crying.*sniffle* *Shuts door.* *Collects myself and looks through peephole. Sees kid going crazy outside, dancing.*

Hears: “Hey dad that crazy f***er just won me the school contest! He didn’t even buy any candy. I just won a PS4!”

God damn it!

Roadkill Bunny Rabbit Costume

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

roadkill bunny costume
This Roadkill Bunny Rabbit Costume begs the question, why did the bunny cross the street? To get to the other side. Get it? The other side? As in the afterlife. Now you can be a roadkill rabbit this Halloween. Complete with blood and gross entrails sticking out everywhere.

Why wait until Halloween? I’m gonna wear this and lay on my neighbor’s lawn next Easter. That way those neighbor kids will know that the bunny died for their sins.
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Nuclear Family Nesting Dolls: Mutated Matryoshkas

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

mutant nuclear family matryoshka nesting dolls
This menagerie of mutant Matryoshkas look murderous and malevolent. Gotta be honest. Not even sure I spelled matryoshka right. Spell check isn’t helping. It does have “try” in it, so as long as you try, that’s all that counts.

These five nesting dolls are a real nuclear family. They have the radiation, falling out teeth, blisters and the odd tentacle or two to prove it too. I haven’t seen a family so ugly since I made my own. Not now junior, daddy’s working. Here’s a pork chop. The dog will play with you now.
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Bigfoot Chia Pet: Cr- Cr- Cr- Cryptid

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

bigfoot chia pet
Now you can have a Bigfoot sighting on your kitchen counter top or table. This Bigfoot Chia Pet has traded in his stinky fur in for some green herbs. It looks like a stylish Sasquatch business suit that he grew himself. Plus it makes a comfy bed. That he can wear and poop in and stuff, while he’s rubbing his big old Bigfoot butt against trees. I wish I could wear my own bed. How com the Sasquatch can just drop and sleep wherever he is and I can’t?

I’m making my own Chia suit. Not only will it be super comfy, but it will definitely make me smell better too. It beats the one I’m wearing now. Makes me all itchy. I picked a bunch of leaves near some geek convention or something, because the sign said Poison Ivy. Bah. I didn’t see any hot cosplayer covered in greenery or even Batman. Man, I’m really itching and burning. Should I be able to scratch clear down to my bone like that, through a blistery and bloody hole?
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Blinking Salt and Pepper Shakers

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

blinking salt and pepper shakers
Can you pass the salt? Why is it blinking at me? Make it stop. The pepper is winking at me now. Stop flirting! I just-*blushes and giggles* Oh my, you are a peppery one. *Winks back. Opens a Japanese fan and fans self* And so are you, you old salty. I do declare, suddenly I have the vapors!

These Blinking Salt and Pepper Shakers are made for seasoning your food, but they will season your heart. Don’t let the wife see you three carrying on like that.
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