Tag: coasters

Billy From Saw Drink Coasters

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Billy From Saw Drink Coasters

Oh look, it’s that demented little freak from the Saw movies. Billy the puppet. What kind of sick game do you have for me this time? Protecting my surfaces from spills with these Billy From Saw Drink Coasters? What’s the catch? Will they self destruct in an hour while I have to saw my own leg off?

Oh I know what it is. They protect your surfaces from spills, but then you find out that the coasters themselves have stained your counter! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. You evil little son of a-.

Oh, I can’t stay mad at you. C’mere and give me a hug. Awww. Come closer. That’s it. There we go. *Shoves his face into the stain.* Don’t you ever f**k with my counter tops again. Bad puppet!

Spider Coasters Make You Want To Slam Your Glass Down Hard

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Spider Coasters Make You Want To Slam Your Glass Down Hard
ACK! Kill it! *Slams glass down on the spider, sending grape soda everywhere, mostly in my face!* Oh Jesus! *Puts hand to chest to steady my heart.* Why did I think that spider coasters were a good idea?

*Looks down at my glass.* ACK! Spider in my drink! *Throws glass against the wall where it shatters.* Thank god! *Looks where the glass used to be, Sees spider coaster.* ACK! It was under my drink! *Runs to the fridge, gets another glass, fills it with beer, runs back, slams glass on spider, screams because the spider is still there. Breaks down sobbing.* Why? Why? Why?

Hellraiser Puzzle Box Coasters

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Hellraiser Puzzle Box Coasters
If you want to protect your furniture, use these Hellraiser Puzzle Box Coasters. Cuz you know if you spill beer all over my coffee table, I’m gonna raise hell. I don’t put up with that shizz. I will raise some serious hell on the first person to leave a sweat ring on my counter too. You know Pinhead? He used to be friend “Larry” Mother effer slammed his glass down one night and left grape juice everywhere. So I made him my pin cushion. YOU JUST GOT PINNED BIATCH! HELL WILL BE RAISED!

Monster Teeth Coasters

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Monster Coasters
What the? Damn it grandma, you left your dentures out again. *Canned laughter* My boss is coming over for dinner and those are a dead giveaway that you are really a demon under that moo-moo. That and your demon breath. *More canned laughter* Try a tic-tac. I thought we talked about this.

Well, if you don’t move ’em, I’m using ’em as a nasty monster teeth coaster. At least then they’ll think I just ordered ’em off of Etsy. God those dentures are nasty! Do you even brush those? Oh no! Did you glue that on the table? *Ding-dong!* *Looks at camera shocked as it zooms in.*

This has been another episode of My Favorite Grand-Demon. Only on NBC.
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Dinosaur Fossil Coasters

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Dinosaur Fossil Coasters
People often say to me, “Shut up you old fossil” or “Who dug up that old fossil?” By people, I mean kids. I usually just shake my fist and mutter. Like it’s my fault that male pattern baldness and lady hips magically appeared on my 18th birthday. I’m from the GMO generation. My endocrines disrupted like it was a party up in here and it’s ladies night! Oh what a night! 30 is the new “Holy f**k it’s coffin buying time.” I got the cheapest option with the brass handles BTW. Just in case you want to know.

Anyway, these dinosaur fossil coasters are friggin’ awesome. No bones about it. If I wasn’t already using fast food napkins, I’d be on these in a heartbeat. These is classy. Enjoy them before you’re 30.
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