Tag: decorative

Decomposing Bunny And Kitty Dishes

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

decomposing kitty dishAre you a Gloomy Gus? A Morbid Madge? Well, I would advise changing your name. Who the hell named you? Your mom or the guys that make the Garbage Pail Kids? Well, with a name like that you’ll love these decomposing bunny and kitty dishes. These decomposing bunny and kitty dishes will give you all the rotting with none of the stink.

You also get all of the stuff that helps the decomposition process. Like snails, bugs, mushrooms and fungi. Really? Doesn’t sound like a fun guy to me.

These dishes are educational and will scare your house guests. If you’re like me, that’s important. Sure, stop by. Just make sure you tell me a quick story and get the hell out. I got stuff to do, like trolling forums and criticizing movies that aren’t out yet. Ah, the internet age. It gave my life such meaning.
Read more “Decomposing Bunny And Kitty Dishes”

Crazy Scary Horror Dioramas

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

horror dioramas
It’s time to talk about terror on a tiny scale. *You mean your peen?* Very funny, but no. Why can’t you be like all of the ladies and just leave him alone? No, I’m talking about small scale dioramas with weird-ass stuff going on in them.

Etsy seller OminousPossessions creates all kinds of dark and disturbing mini dioramas. Stuff like Freakshows, Freddy Kreuger vs Jason Voorhees, killer clowns with blood everywhere. Dude’s got a deranged mind, but at least he’s working through it by painting miniatures.

I work through my issues with small art all the time myself. Small Art is my “little person” therapist. I spend half of my sessions just trying to work through my fear of little people. The other half trying to get the guy to stop crying like a baby. He’s a little sensitive. What? You are a little person AND a therapist. You never thought this would come up? I got issues!
Read more “Crazy Scary Horror Dioramas”

Decorative Coffin Full Of Chocolate

Artemis Winterford2 Comments

decorative chocolate coffinSweeeet! A Decorative Coffin along with the chocolate that’s gonna put me inside it’s cramped embrace one day! Important note: These aren’t real chocolates, which is why my first bite ended in agony with bits of broken tooth all over my floor. Tried superglue, but that just made my mouth look like tetris pieces all lined up like in a game played by a twitchy speed freak.

So it was back to the dentist. I walk in and it’s the usual. Sees me. Smiles like a lunatic. Pulls up some luxury car websites on his iPad and asks what I’m going to be buying him today. I like that he includes his victims in his purchase decisions. Looks in my mouth. I point and say “Tetris”. He looks deeper. “No. That’s more like Jenga. Let’s get started. Which piece should I remove first? Love this game.”

After that I just remember waking up to him yelling “YAHTZEE!” and shaking my teeth in a cup with some nurses in the corner of the room.
Read more “Decorative Coffin Full Of Chocolate”

Mythical Creature Dioramas

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

mythical creature diorama chupacabra
These mythical creature dioramas from Etsy seller PearsonMaron are a fun way to celebrate El Chupacabra, Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster. These fun and cartoony scenes make these terrifying creatures a little friendlier. I’m sure that Chupacabra is not going to suck all of the blood from that goat. He’s just gonna- Oh, who am I kidding? He is going to rip that goat a new throat-hole and then go back to the underground lab that genetically spawned him.

These creatures scare me to death. The other day I visited a petting zoo and spotted some hoof prints in the snow and I knew that either a Chupacabra or a demon was on the loose.

Those were just baby goat tracks.

Really? Then how do you explain the fact that they were FOLLOWING that baby goat from behind? I never did see it again. It’s the same way I know when a Bigfoot is following me. His tracks are always leading right TO ME. I am so close to cracking this conspiracy.
Read more “Mythical Creature Dioramas”

Christmas Ornaments For Your Beard

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

beard christmas ornaments
That No Shave November really paid off. Now it’s December and I have a huge ZZ Top beard that smells like Doritos which small birds like to nest in. Imma decorate this whisker bush for Christmas thanks to Beard Baubles!

Anyone know where I can get a star for the top of my head? I’m looking for something that will turn me into a festive Manicorn. I might string some lights around those ornaments too and get a necklace full of presents.