Tag: etsy

This $15,000. Monkey Bike Is Bananas

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

monkey bicycle
A planet where apes have evolved from Schwinns? Get your handlebars out from under me you damn dirty ape! This crazy Simian Schwinn is bananas. It’s nuts!

The only thing the seller says in the ad is to not get it wet. I can only guess it turns into some weird monkey-gremlin mode of transport in the rain. I promise not to feed it after midnight either. Can I just take it for a spin? I’m digging the whole chimp head hood ornament thing and the banana where a reflector should be. I shall name it Dr. Zaius.
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Life-Size Posable Corpse

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lifesize corpse
Please mother. Stop arguing with me. I will find a nice girl soon. You haven’t even touched your dinner. Not again mother! Why must you always fall out of your chair? You are so tense and stiff as a board. Yes, mother. Yes I will look for another victim today. Stop laughing. *Covers ears* Stop laughing at me! I’m a good boy! A good boy! Your good boy will bring home another victim and you’ll see.

2 months later…

I tricked you mother! You are now for sale on Etsy. Once they buy you I will never have to hear your nagging again! Besides, I need more time with dad. Even though all he does is drink. Now where is he hiding? Oh yeah. That’s right. Mom! Where’s the shovel?
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Mancave Wreath With Antlers, Toilet Paper Holder, Beer Cans, Rifle Shells

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

man cave wreath
This Mancave Wreath With Antler Toilet Paper Holder, Beer Cans, Rifle Shells was obviously created in a trailer in the woods one night with The Dukes of Hazzard or Duck Dynasty playing in the background as a couple of guys debate how hot Paula Dean is and argue about who shot some squirrel and who gets to eat it.

I’m pretty sure.

Name Your Poison Whiskey Glasses

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poison glasses
These Name Your Poison Whiskey Glasses are pretty cool, but they forgot marriage. And taxes. I kid, I kid. I married my wife for tax purposes so it’s all good. She got me this set for Christmas last year and I’ve been drinking out of the arsenic one ever since. Also not feeling very well and constantly pooping myself as she laughs.

You can’t even poison me right you cow!

Shut up you fat old idiot! I’m pouring you a double right f***ing now!

Oh, I’m drinking! I’ll take two!

*dodges flying glass*

I’ll see you in hell old man! I’ll be the bartender!

Nic Cage Raking Leaves On A Brisk October Afternoon Fragrance Oil

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

nicolas cage
Now you can experience the smell of Nic Cage as he goes about his daily chores. With a goofy look on his face of course, cause that’s what Nic does. Experience the gentle scent of Nic Cage Raking Leaves On A Brisk October Afternoon.

Leaves. Crisp fall air. Deciduous woods. A black leather jacket, well-loved. Maybe the one he wore in Ghost Rider, because there’s also some Egyptian Amber in there reminiscent of some of his more, erm, peculiar character acting habits. A light musk, and just a hint of patchouli and men’s aftershave.

Wait. Nic Cage can actually use a rake? I don’t think that is very believable. However, your Nic Cage in leaf wreath label has sold me on it.