Tag: gross

Nasty Human Mouth Coffee Cup

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

mouth coffee cup
Is it wrong that these nasty mouth coffee cups make me want to tongue my mug really good to get that last drop of coffee? I’m a sucker for a mouth that looks like it belongs to a sea hag with a serious meth problem. No, meth problem. Not math problem. She only has a math problem if she can’t count the few teeth she has.

These human mouth coffee mugs certainly look enticing. They are based on new technology that makes you vomit a little in your cup for every sip you take. A sip of coffee for a bit of sick sounds like a fair exchange to me. However that anus with a tooth known as “C” really scares me.
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Monster Mirror Guarantees That You Will Cut Yourself While Shaving

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monster mirrorMirror mirror on the wall, who is the fugliest of all? You are. That’s who. This mirror demands blood, since it will make you so nervous that you constantly cut yourself while shaving, making a blood sacrifice down the drain every damn day. The only way to beat it is to grow a beard!

Ha! Beaten at your own evil game! How does that feel? Well, yeah, I was so nervous when I trimmed my beard last time that I also trimmed all of the fuzz off my new winter sweater and gave myself a mohawk, but still. I win.

Custom Eraserhead Baby Figure

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eraserheadThis custom built Eraserhead baby reproduction from David Lynch’s movie “ERASERHEAD” looks like a turkey leg with eyes. This is #3 of only 10 that will be produced. It’s made from high quality platinum silicone and F3 foam to simulate the feel of real tissue. In other words he is soft and squishy and icky.

Pffft. If it was a real eraser head it would have erased itself by now. Also: That thing is butt-ugly. Like, you better drown that butt in proactive cuz you have terrible butt-acne ugly. It’s up to $430 so far.
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Heart Lock and Key Ornament

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Heart Lock and Key OrnamentGive someone special your heart, without all the blood and a gaping chest wound. This Heart Lock and Key Ornament should do the trick. You get both the heart and a key. But it doesn’t open. Just like my cold heart. Huh? Sure, I’ve been hurt, but that’s not why my heart is closed off. Bacon. That’s why.

But that’s okay, because it is my one true love.
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Leather Armor Meat Bracers

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meat bracersHey LARPers. Forget that fancy enchanted set of golden Warlock bracers that you have. Sure they give you +2 defense, but take it from me, it hurts like a mother trucker when that sword hits your wrist. And the force of the blow will probably still shatter your calcium deficient nerd bones.

You need something with some give. You need meat bracers. These are at least +5 defense with a +10 grossness thrown in. If Rocky trained with meat, the least you can do is wear some as armor. Plus, you’ll look badass, like someone has already flayed your skin off. Probably your mom. Because she’s sick of her nerd son freeloading in her basement. You losers need to-

Not now mom!

I’ll do it when I’m finished. No, I’m not rolling the forums again. And it’s TROLLING mom. Did you finish sewing my Elven Wizard costume yet?
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