Tag: novelty

Giant Spider Clock

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Giant Spider Clock
This clock/watch looks like a giant freaky spider. No. Just no. If I had this $16,000 – $18,000 clock in my home it would always be the same time: Time to kill spiders, time to wig the hell out and hide in a corner and then time for this thing to die once I work up enough courage to stop whimpering and hit it with some junk mail like I have a limp wrist!

I don’t ever want to know the time again. *Leads the pest control guy into the room and points*

You sure you want me to spray insecticide all over that?

Just spray it. Stomp on it and take it with you! DO IT NOW!
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Guillotine Necklace: Heads Will Roll

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Guillotine Necklace Heads Will Roll
Heads will roll, I mean turn, when you wear this awesome Guillotine Necklace. You should totally get a little action figure and put it’s head in this. Something innocent like E.T. or C-3PO. I hate both those guys. Is it Gee-O-Tine or Gill-O-Tine? I can never get that right. Gill-O-Tine sounds like a protein drink for fish. Pretty sure that ain’t right. Whatevs.

It’s a sharp and primitive instrument of death. For your neck.

Facehugger Mask

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Facehugger Mask
This guy is getting hugs all day long from this Facehugger Mask. He still looks surprised about it. This creepy critter wants to hug your face next. Will you let him? Or her? I have no idea about it’s gender. When it comes to a face hugger’s sex, I don’t ask, don’t tell. Just don’t want none.

I ain’t that desperate. Okay, I am, but I’m trying really hard not to be tempted by that sexy hugger of faces. You minx. Okay fine, you sexy seductress, hit my face all hard and squishy and start huggin’. Oh yeah. Just like that.
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UFO Beaming Up A Cow

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UFO Beaming Up A Cow
Hey cow, you’re drunk. Go home! You are supposed to go INTO the beam and be lifted into the UFO so you can be cattle that’s mutilated. Not cattle that’s dry-humping a beam of light and threatening to put the alien craft off kilter.

*UFO falters and rocks. Alien looks out of a window. Ducks back in to make some adjustments. The cow moos and climbs up higher. The craft stalls and falls sideways with tractor beam still on. The tractor beam uproots a tree and sucks it into itself, impaling the craft. Lights go out. Beam flickers and shuts off. Cow just walks off like it’s just another UFO on it’s kill list.*

Dinosaur Fossil Coasters

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Dinosaur Fossil Coasters
People often say to me, “Shut up you old fossil” or “Who dug up that old fossil?” By people, I mean kids. I usually just shake my fist and mutter. Like it’s my fault that male pattern baldness and lady hips magically appeared on my 18th birthday. I’m from the GMO generation. My endocrines disrupted like it was a party up in here and it’s ladies night! Oh what a night! 30 is the new “Holy f**k it’s coffin buying time.” I got the cheapest option with the brass handles BTW. Just in case you want to know.

Anyway, these dinosaur fossil coasters are friggin’ awesome. No bones about it. If I wasn’t already using fast food napkins, I’d be on these in a heartbeat. These is classy. Enjoy them before you’re 30.
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