Tag: odd

Holy Valhalla: Braided Viking Hair Gown

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Holy Valhalla Braided Viking Hair Gown
Mary Mary quite contrary, shave that gown, it’s way too hairy! I think that’s the first time I’ve ever said a clean version of that joke. This is a Braided Viking Hair Gown. The woman wearing it must be a tough as nails viking. I don’t have viking in my ancestry. The closest I get is biking, but that’s only when the car goes in the shop.

Damn that is one hairy dress. Worn by a bald woman. No disrespect sir, I’ve never seen a viking after they shave off all of their facial hair to make a gown. Don’t kill me with your axe while shouting to your Gods and pillaging my village! We cool. We good.

Let’s have a drink! A little hair of the dog that- Sorry. Hair’s to vikings! Waiter, more beard! I mean beer. Please don’t kill me and braid my village. I mean raid! I’m all tongue-tied. My mouth is all dry and Norse. I mean horse! So sorry!

Weird Coat Hanger: Relax, Stay Awhile, Hang Your Coat Up On An Arm Or A Leg

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Hang Your Coat Up On An Arm Or A Leg
Yeah, I’ve had that problem. Disembodied baby limbs coming out of my wall. Wailing and crying too. Ghost babies are the worst. This Weird Coat Hanger simulates an ghostly baby attack so that you will be ready. It also provides a freaky place to hang your coat. What I like to do is wait until they stick their limbs through my wall, then me and a tattoo artist give them some embarrassing ink. That way when they go back to their ghost mother, they are in a ton of trouble. Hahaha ghost babies. I get the last laugh.

Well I did have the last laugh until an army of ghost moms showed up one night with that traitor tattoo artist. On the plus side, my body length tattoo of baby limbs and doll heads all over my body looks friggin’ awesome. The down side is that my body is now a portal for baby limbs. Let me tell ya, it isn’t so cool when you’re buying a pack of gum and a baby arm comes out of your crotch when you are flirting with the pretty cashier. Or when an arm comes out of your head and knocks your hat off. That’s not a funny game!

Creepy Kids Mugs

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Creepy Kids Mugs
Check out these creepy kids mugs. And I don’t mean creepy mugs for kids. I mean, mugs with creepy kids on them. Kids who crave brains and eyeball soup. That’s what happens when you raise zombie kids. Like those kids who never look away from their smartphone except to flip you the bird. Look at those kids salivating. MMmmm-Mmmmmm good. More like Mmmmmm-Mmmmmm nasty ya little freak. Gives a whole new meaning to brain food.

Yummy yummy, I have brains in my tummy. Thank you mom for the eyeball soup too. I’m so happy to be a part of this maniac psychopath family. A real atomic family. As in, they should be nuked from orbit.

The seller also has buttons with these little freaks on them.
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Be Prepared: Zombie Survival Kit

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Be Prepared Zombie Survival Kit
This is a Zombie Survival Kit that you can buy to be prepared for the eventual zombie apocalypse. I have no idea what’s going on in that image above. I think it’s the story of a cowgirl experiencing an undead outbreak firsthand. She was probably minding her own business, riding a mechanical bull, in some dark warehouse, or maybe giving a lap dance while some dude admires her tramp stamp, I have no idea, when the zombies burst in. So she got her knife out and got to work because she had this survival kit. Looking fabulous while chopping heads and making the undead dead again. Yippe Ky yay MFer! And that is exactly how you keep your sleezy nightclub free of undead freaks. She’s my new hero. Or is it heroine? She is my new heroine. I plan to take her internally once I find a vein and sleep with my eyes open and a smile on my face as I watch her exploits in my mind.

This kit includes a survival bandanna, survival saw, machete, germicide tablets, survival can, emergency blanket, survival book, first aid book, compass kit, gas mask, and a heavy wooden crate with a locking clasp.

Shave And Play Barbie Doll

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Shave And Play Barbie
Damn Barbie. You really let yourself go! Shave and Play Barbie is hairy as hell and ready for a trim! I thought this was a wolfman doll at first. Or a limited edition sasquatch Barbie. Or an Oregon hipster wife Barbie. Nope, just Barbie going all natural and letting that hair grow. And grow. And grow. It comes with a razor included to make her all silky smooth. She’s got a beard, neck hair, chest hair, leg hair, probably even some butt hair.

She did it Fur Ken. She wants to be fur-ever yours. Damn Barbie. You live in a Malibu beach house so I know you can afford a razor. Seriously, SHAVE and PLAY. In that order. Do not PLAY and SHAVE. This beast needs to be dealt with right now! Even Bigfoot be like, “What? Girl you crazy.”
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