Author: Artemis Winterford

Dead Mouse In A Guitar Case

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

dead mouse in miniature guitar case
Oh look, it’s a dead mouse in a mini guitar case. If you click through and scroll down below, you’ll see the mother (Sold separately) who is actually holding a guitar. She looks like she’s busking and when she gets enough change in her hat, the kid mouse will probably resurrect. Then they’ll take their little show to another street.

Never trust a busker. I just walk by a whole line of them with my iPhone app. It plays the sounds of change landing in a hat, cup or guitar case, so I don’t actually have to do it. Hey, I didn’t ask for the free concert! You don’t like it get a tour manager!
Read more “Dead Mouse In A Guitar Case”

Tea Pot / Coffee Pot With Mouth

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

coffee pot and mugs with mouths
This tea pot has a mouth. I mean it isn’t going to curse at you or anything. It just has a full, luscious and inviting mouth. The matching sugar and creamer also each have mouths. You can make them kiss.

Is it yawning? Singing? I have no idea. If you want some tea, it will be more than happy to regurgitate some for you without leaving too much backwash in your cup. Whatever else you do with it is your business.
Read more “Tea Pot / Coffee Pot With Mouth”

Duck Tape Still Life Painting

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

duct tape duck painting
Do you say duct tape or duck tape? It’s clearly duck tape. Strong enough for a duck, but made for a duct. Doesn’t matter. This artist doesn’t give a cluck what you think. The Duck Tape Still Life Painting is a classy piece of art for your wall.

Or you could just duct tape a purdue chicken to your wall. Now that’s some interactive art. Between the flies and the decomposing, you are going to have one heck of an art show, not to mention a health hazard, for many months to come.

Bacon Scented Pillowcases

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

bacon scented pillow
Bacon this, bacon that. Don’t you eat anything but bacon? “No, I do not. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to see a doctor about a coronary.”

These Bacon Scented Pillowcases will let you smell the sweet scent of burning pig flesh even when you are not frying it up in a pan. So for me that would be my mid-day nap when I’m between servings of this delicious treat. It’s a pillowcase. It smells like bacon. Enough said!

You know what I just realized? I’m so silly. My pillowcase already smells like bacon. Thanks drool!

Eyeball Cufflinks

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

eyeball cuff links
Eye love these Eyeball Cufflinks. Eye will wear them with my fancy wedding/funeral clothes, cuz the only time I dress up is when people die and men die hardest when they wed. That’s why I called my second marriage Die Hard 2: Die Harder. I’ve been a box office flop ever since.

Whoa! Hey! Hang on! Just want to be clear that doesn’t mean I can’t get it up. That’s not what flop means here.

Whatevs. These eyeball cufflinks are all blinky and stuff. Freak people out and hold your arms up all day as if you can see through their eyes. Because you can! Because that hand rolled tobacco that dude just gave you has kicked in and now you in the Matrix son! Blue pill or red pill? Pffft! I’mma mash ’em into a purple pill and be the ever lovin’ architect biatches!