Author: Artemis Winterford

Cupcake Panties: Sweet Cheeks

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cupcake panties
Etsy seller Knickerocker is making all of my dreams come true by combining two of my favorite things. Cupcakes and butt cheeks. I’ll have extra sprinkles on mine. These cupcake panties will put some frosting on your crack. Maybe with a cherry on top. They make your butt look like a tasty treat and allow you to be bakery fresh all the time.

You don’t fart in undies like these. You tart. Like a strawberry tart. I would buy these for my wife, but once a month she would just add her own raspberry filling and then get mad and throw them out.
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Garbage Pail KidsTrading Card Notebooks

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garbage pail kids
Garbage Pail Kids. They’re all kinds of gross, but you can’t help but love these little freaks. So what else can you do with those cards besides collect ’em, put ’em in the spokes of your bike and stick ’em all over your parent’s expensive stuff? You can make notebooks out of ’em. And that’s just what Etsy seller ESNotebooks did. Pretty cool. The seller has several to choose from.

Garbage Pail Kids! Puhhhleaseeee! I was a dumpster baby before it was cool. In fact, I can’t get anywhere near a dumpster without wanting to jump in and nest. And suckle on mother’s sweet and possibly radioactive trash juices. Hey, the corners of Hefty bags make for some good sucking. No worries. I grew up nice and strong….smelling.
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Katy Perry Teenage Dream Left Shark Painting

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left shark
Ever since the Super Bowl, everyone is talking about Left Shark. The internet is going crazy for this dancing fool. So what? He made some mistakes. So his timing was a little off. At least he didn’t eat anybody. And that’s really hard to do when you’re in a shark suit.

You know he just wanted to take a bite out of Katy Perry. Me too. She looks delicious. She can be my chum anytime. Plus, do you have any idea how hard it is to dance with an erection? You try it. Throws your whole game off and you can’t even adjust your junk with fins. You need man hands for that.

Anyway, now he is a meme. He’s also an awesome piece of artwork. You just do your thing Left Shark. Be the dancing fool that we love.

Find a “groovy” version here and another version here.
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Decorative Coffin Full Of Chocolate

Artemis Winterford2 Comments

decorative chocolate coffinSweeeet! A Decorative Coffin along with the chocolate that’s gonna put me inside it’s cramped embrace one day! Important note: These aren’t real chocolates, which is why my first bite ended in agony with bits of broken tooth all over my floor. Tried superglue, but that just made my mouth look like tetris pieces all lined up like in a game played by a twitchy speed freak.

So it was back to the dentist. I walk in and it’s the usual. Sees me. Smiles like a lunatic. Pulls up some luxury car websites on his iPad and asks what I’m going to be buying him today. I like that he includes his victims in his purchase decisions. Looks in my mouth. I point and say “Tetris”. He looks deeper. “No. That’s more like Jenga. Let’s get started. Which piece should I remove first? Love this game.”

After that I just remember waking up to him yelling “YAHTZEE!” and shaking my teeth in a cup with some nurses in the corner of the room.
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Spocktopus 3D Printed Spock Octopus

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spocktopus
I don’t want to give you a shocktopus, but here is a 3D printed Spocktopus. I would have picked Sulu myself just so I could call him Cthul-Sulu, but whatever. Welcome to the bridge Mr. Spocktopus. I’m Captain Kirk. Not sure where you are gonna sit with those…whatever they are. Uhura is already complaining that you can’t keep your tentacles to yourself, but don’t worry about it. She doesn’t complain for long, if ya know what I mean. Am I right? It’s a real sausage-fest on this ship and she likes to think of me as Jimmy Dean.

Captain Kirk is such a jerk
Gave me a red shirt
Now I’m in the dirt
And damn those phaser burns hurt.
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