Author: Artemis Winterford

Hibernate With This Sleeping Grizzly Bear Bean Bag

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sleeping bear bean bag
Some days you get the bear and some days the bear gets you. Some days you just lay down with the bear and roll around like a couple goofballs and hope to hell your buddy doesn’t rip your spleen out or take your face off.

This Sleeping Grizzly Bear Bean Bag looks pretty obese. That means he’s a good cuddler. At least that’s why my wife says I’m so cuddly. This fat bear is not just for sitting on. He’ll keep you warm even on the coldest night. And if he doesn’t I’ll just turn my lightsaber on and cut into his belly and climb in until a snowspeeder spots me in the morning. Then I’ll spend like 4 hours in a bacta tank recovering. It won’t be long before I head to the Dagobah system to train as a Jedi. Go me!
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Beer And Soda Can Lamps

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mountain dew lamp
Etsy seller LicenseToCraft makes all kinds of cool lamps that are apparently designed for 30 year old nerds who plan on dying in their mother’s basement. You know, like this Mountain Dew lamp pictured above. Yeah, the one with the green shade made from pull tabs that look like a bunch of green alien heads. If that isn’t enough, look at the light this thing casts! That’s like 100 alien grey heads on the wall! All huddled together like an invasion force. Holy sh*t I am wigging the f**k out! You see that right?

If you think that’s no big deal, check out the Monster energy drink lamp below, casting what looks like a bunch of hooded demons against the wall! This is some serious illuminati(on) stuff right here! No wonder this drink gives people nose bleeds.

The Red Bull lamp projects some kind of weird bird creatures. It’s time for me to leave the internet for awhile. Thanks for making me trip balls internet!
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Own The Night: Bat Pajama Costume

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bat pajama costume
Every night will be an adventure with this Bat Pajama costume. My wife will be all like “Hey stop hitting me with your flappy wings. And your ear just poked my eye!”

I’ll be all like “Eeek. Eeeek. Eeeek.” Followed by more intense wing flapping action. Then I’ll bite her neck and fly off in a puff of smoke to sleep upside down in the doorway. Until I sleep so deep that I fall and hit my head anyway. Although she may get up to pee before that ever happens, because her bladder is as active as my wings. In which case, I’ll get punched in the gut and THEN fall and hit my head. Then I’ll have to use my sonar to find the couch.

Illuminati Air Freshener

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illuminati air freshener
The Illuminati is a secret organization that is rumored to control the world. They may or may not have just activated a sound trigger that made me write this article about their air freshener, to spread the word about the New World Order and start the conditioning of the masses to not fear your new masters.

Your car will smell like jack booted thugs trampling the constitution and kicking in your door, with the gentle hint of MK Ultra programming and just a whiff of never-ending wars fought to enrich the banking elite.

I wish those sounds would stop. I do love that New(World Order) Car smell though.

Crazy 3 Foot Tall Monster Strung Up On A Tree

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hanging monster
He has terrorized you from under the bed for too long. He scares you to death even when you have a night light on all night. He steals your rolled up socks and puts sticky stuff inside so your mom finds it and sighs in disgust. So, when you finally catch the boogeyman, you know what to do. Tie his gnarled hands up and string him up in a tree for the whole neighborhood to see.

This 3 foot tall monster is nasty and just begging to be tortured by an angry mob as he hangs in that tree. “Drool included” of course.
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