Author: Artemis Winterford

These Boots Are Made For Walking…Two Creepy Doll Heads

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Creepy Doll Spats
Spats? What the hell is a spat? Turns out they are those boot covers that WWI era people wore. Not the past tense of stuff that was previously spit on. Anywho, these spats have creepy baby doll heads on them. You can take them for a walk and they will probably start talking to each other, before working their way up to making kill requests of you.

That one. Kill that one!

No. That one over there with the Lucky Charms!

Will you two shut the hell up! I’m trying to shop here! I have to get milk and eggs. Why the hell am I wearing spats???
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Spam Night Light: Wham Bam Thank You Spam

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spam night light
Night lights keep monsters away. This SPAM night light keeps other more nutritious foods away while it beckons you with it’s ominous evil glow.

Spam, Spam,
The magical meat.
The more your eat,
The more you mess your seat.

Bake it, fry it.
You’ll never want to diet.

Open the can and down that juice,
Then sit on the can and let it loose.

This $15,000. Monkey Bike Is Bananas

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monkey bicycle
A planet where apes have evolved from Schwinns? Get your handlebars out from under me you damn dirty ape! This crazy Simian Schwinn is bananas. It’s nuts!

The only thing the seller says in the ad is to not get it wet. I can only guess it turns into some weird monkey-gremlin mode of transport in the rain. I promise not to feed it after midnight either. Can I just take it for a spin? I’m digging the whole chimp head hood ornament thing and the banana where a reflector should be. I shall name it Dr. Zaius.
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Life-Size Posable Corpse

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lifesize corpse
Please mother. Stop arguing with me. I will find a nice girl soon. You haven’t even touched your dinner. Not again mother! Why must you always fall out of your chair? You are so tense and stiff as a board. Yes, mother. Yes I will look for another victim today. Stop laughing. *Covers ears* Stop laughing at me! I’m a good boy! A good boy! Your good boy will bring home another victim and you’ll see.

2 months later…

I tricked you mother! You are now for sale on Etsy. Once they buy you I will never have to hear your nagging again! Besides, I need more time with dad. Even though all he does is drink. Now where is he hiding? Oh yeah. That’s right. Mom! Where’s the shovel?
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2015 Pooping Dogs Calendar

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pooping dog calendar
That’s great. I poop in a public park one time and I get arrested. These dogs get a calendar. That does it! I just need a heavy lunch and a photographer, so I can get a 2016 calendar out on time.

Oh man…*holds belly as it groans* Already had the heavy lunch. Just need a photographer and I have January covered. Only 11 months to go.
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