Tag: cow

UFO Beaming Up A Cow

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UFO Beaming Up A Cow
Hey cow, you’re drunk. Go home! You are supposed to go INTO the beam and be lifted into the UFO so you can be cattle that’s mutilated. Not cattle that’s dry-humping a beam of light and threatening to put the alien craft off kilter.

*UFO falters and rocks. Alien looks out of a window. Ducks back in to make some adjustments. The cow moos and climbs up higher. The craft stalls and falls sideways with tractor beam still on. The tractor beam uproots a tree and sucks it into itself, impaling the craft. Lights go out. Beam flickers and shuts off. Cow just walks off like it’s just another UFO on it’s kill list.*

Utter-ly Ridiculous: Cow Skin Rug

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cow skin rug
How now brown cow. You look like you got run over with a plow. I don’t think this Cow Skin Rug is made from actual cow skin. There’s no way to know since the seller’s add says absolutely nothing.

I’m gonna go ahead and guess it was a leftover from some UFO cow mutilation, cuz I know sometimes they just toss the leftovers out of the ship, like that time I saw a UFO and a cow fur suit fell from the sky. I put that baby right on and ewwwwww! Just like thrift store clothes, I shoulda cleaned it first. It was like an icky squishie pair of footy pajamas with hooves.

What can you do but shake your fist at those alien bastids and walk home in utter shame?

Crocheted Cowburger Amigurumi

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crocheted cow burger
This cowburger amigurumi looks delicious. He’s on a sesame seed bun and everything. He even has a nice blanket of cheese on top, oozing over him and keeping him warm. I’d eat this guy in one bite. In fact, I’m pretty sure you can get this from Burger King’s secret menu. Just ask for “the whole moo-moo”. You’ll hear some moans and screams as it is being turn away from it’s mother, followed by a thud as it is slapped down into the bun.

Hold him tight and don’t let him escape by jiggling those buns. On the plus side, he makes his own secret sauce. Ewww!
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Alien Abduction Soap Dispenser

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ufo soapFinally there is a soap dispenser that will wash away the stink of alien abduction. Because the way things are right now you can scrub and scrub and never feel clean. This soap dispenser was designed by Duncan Shotton. This UFO soap dispenser displays an alien abduction as it is happening. One version has the aliens stealing a human, the other a cow.

No matter which version you choose, your hands will be nice and clean even if you want to scream on the inside and remove your alien implant with a steak knife.
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Miniature Wooden Alien Cow Abduction UFO Scene

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ufo cow abductionThis hand carved miniature Alien Cow Abduction scene by artist David T. Arber Jr. is the perfect toy for kids or adults who like to re-enact scenes of cow abduction. It recently sold for $112.50 on Ebay.

If only E.T. just wanted to phone home. The real world is more complicated and terrifying than that. E.T. wants to abduct humans and cows, playing strange games with their bungholes. It’s because they made a deal with our government. Their technology in exchange for being Earth’s premiere proctologists.

Now if you will excuse me, my tin foil hat is picking up some transmissions from a nearby star. I have to send a signal back. EARTH TO ET. COME IN ET. THIS BACKSIDE IS A-OKAY. NO NEED FOR AN EXAM. I REPEAT, NO NEED FOR EXAM. STAND BY FOR NEW TARGET NAME. GEORGE LUCAS. I REPEAT, GEORGE LUCAS.
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