Man, rich people have all the fun and luxury stuff. By rich people, I mean people with $100 to spend. Like this insane silver dinosaur head. It will probably be on the wall in some house that has a baby. People will be all like, “Were you born with a silver spoon?”
And he’ll be all like, “No, but we had a silver dinosaur head! So yes I am better than you. Now, where were we? Oh yes. I said PASS THE GREY POUPON you peasant! Chop chop!”
*Wipes nose.* Don’t worry, I hid the stuff real good man. *Sniff* No one is ever gonna find it. *Involuntary arm jerk.* F**kin’ feds! *Sniff. Snort.* It’s in the one labeled cocaine!
Hide that Yeyo in the last place they would expect to find it. In a kitchen accessory labeled Cocaine. MoreThanPorcelain sells several kitchen items like sugar pots and creamers, all labeled Cocaine. Cuz you know, it helps to label stuff, even if all you have is plain old sugar in your sugar pot.
What’s up Cthulhu? I see you took my advice and grew a Cthulhu beard. See, now you look like a wise and evil ancient horror. You’re welcome. What? No, I’m not gonna help you trim that thing. All these scissors are gonna do is cut off like a million bits of tentacle until it looks like a serial killer fought an octopus in here. Okay fine, hold still.
An hour later…
*Sweeping up tentacle shavings from all over the floor.* What’s that? Bag it up and take all of it to a restaurant? Some place that serves calamari? So that your evil can affect the bellies of a million mortals? Sounds like a plan. It’s all swept up and I’m outta here. I’ll check in on you next week and we’ll see about fixing that computer problem. No, I know, there’s really no reason your Facebook doesn’t work. You adjusted the rabbit ears and everything.
*Grumbles.* Christ, this guy’s worse than my own grandmother. Oh well. Ya gotta be cool to your elders.
So….No door bell. How do I use this Skeleton Wreath? Should I just pick up a bone and use it to knock? Do I use my knuckles to knock on the skull? Maybe just shake the whole thing and make a ruckus? What the hell is a ruckus anyway? Am I causing one now? So many questions. All I know for sure is that I should probably turn around and run when I see a Skeleton Wreath on a door.
Read more “Skeleton Wreath: This House Has Good Bones”
This Troll-Topped Monster Storage Box is pretty awesome. In D and D, when you find a special box like this in the dungeon, you know it contains a magical item or two. Maybe even some magical fruit that doesn’t make you toot. My campaigns usually go something like this:
My DM: You see a large chest with a troll head on it. What do you do?
Me: I look from the chest to the woman’s face and ask her where she got such a lovely troll tattoo.
DM: Seriously?
Me: Yeah. It’s quality work.
DM: Do something else.
Me: I wet my thumb and rub the chest, seeing if the troll comes off.
DM: Roll a Dex check. You fail automatically. The chest eats you.
Me: So I’m inside the chest? Can I motorboat?
DM: We’re done here.
Read more “Troll-Topped Monster Storage Box”