Chalkboard Skull

chalkboard skull
Ancient humans knew how to leave notes for each other. They would just take some ash from their fires and write on the skulls of their dearly departed. They had plenty of writing space too since everyone died at like 23 back then. Once you hit puberty you knew it was all over.

Now you can write messages on skulls too thanks to this handy Chalkboard Skull. They come in all kinds of different fancy colors and styles. Or you could just, you know, use the skull you have and write messages on your own head in sharpie. That’s what I do. Which is probably why I only remember to get eggs when I look in the mirror. Or when I’m walking down the street and people point and laugh, saying, “Hey eggs” or “It’s the egg-man!”

Garden Critter Solar Lights

garden critter solar lights
You know those garden gnomes you have? They need some backup in order to keep your garden safe. These new Garden Critter Solar Lights will round out your garden nicely and besides, it will look like a damn Pixar movie in front of your house all day long. At night too, because these gopher and raccoon sculptures wear glasses that light up at night.

I would say these are perfect to keep animated bad guys from your garden. I’m gonna use them to illuminate a path to my door because my night vision isn’t so good.

My doctor is all like “Do you drink at night?” and I’m all like “Every night. Hence the night vision problem. Duh! What did they teach you in med school?” Then he takes the finger out and snaps his latex glove off. He’s all like, “So your cholesterol levels look fine then. See me again in two days.”

Sweet! He’s the best Doctor on Craigslist by far.

Houseware Of Horrors

housewares of horrors
Etsy seller shaynegreco has all kinds of housewares with horrible things crawling all over them. Mostly sea creatures. The only time I’ve seen crabs this size crawling on plates was when I visited that “Gentleman’s club/ Diner” in New Orleans. (Bad combination. Do NOT recommend.) At least these won’t be moving and they won’t require a doctor in a hazmat suit to shut down the premises.

This seller has Octopi on platters, crabs on china and other monstrosities that don’t belong on your dishware. Every time you serve yourself on these creepy plates you are fighting creatures for your food. Get off Lobster! Mine! Go find Nemo and leave my food alone!
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Get Clean Lickety Split With Tongue Soap

tongue soap
Dogs do it. Cats do it. You should too. I’m not talking about licking your own butt while you stick your leg in the air like some carnival freak. I am talking about cleaning yourself. With your tongue. Your soap tongue. This Human Tongue Soap will get you clean, but may leave you feeling dirty.

It’s perfect for bathing with your partner. Hey, can you tongue under my arms? I have some serious BO. Also, my butt is really dirty today. It needs some extra tongue. Yeah right there. That’s a little tongue in cheek humor, right there.

You can also get the “With Teeth” soap dish shown to go with it if you want to be really weird.

Zombie Toilet Brush and Zombie Head Holder Set

zombie head toilet brush holder
This Zombie Toilet Brush and Zombie Head Holder Set is just what you need to keep a clean toilet during the zombie apocalypse. And you have a lot to keep clean ever since you made the local gas station restroom your HQ.

You’ll be sitting and squeezing in the last stall on the right, cramping up something fierce as you try to unload your cargo after 4 burritos and a Mountain Dew. And those zombies pushing at the barred door aren’t making it any easier to unleash your crap kraken. But rest easy knowing that as soon as you drop that load of diarrhea like a mud meteor, you can walk over to that door nice and calm, open it and shoot some corpses dead again until all is quiet. Then you can clean up the mess you made all over that stall and seeping into the next, with this toilet brush set and vow to eat better.

Sadly, you won’t be wiping between your mud-flaps since the nearest toilet paper is 2 towns away. But at least your restroom HQ is a little cleaner.
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