Tag: decor

Alien Xenomorph Queen Lamp

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

aliens lamp
Etsy seller Kreatworks creates all kinds of awesome and scary alien sculptures. Most of them cost way more than I have saved in my piggybank. I know, because I just busted the thing open and counted it all up before walking down the street and spending my life savings on a Kit Kat bar. Well, THAT was a tasty retirement! Back to work now!

Anyway, this Alien Xenomorph Queen Lamp is all kinds of scary and awesome. It will totally watch you all night long as you watch it back, until you are a nervous wreck and hiding under the blankets, cursing the fact that you soiled yourself.

Lesson learned. Some things are just too scary to have in your bedroom. The next morning you decide that it would look much better in your toddler’s room.
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Spooky Colored Skull Candles

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http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/colored-skull-candles
These colored skull candles will add an eerie otherworldly atmosphere to your home. Things will get even scarier as they begin to melt away. They are perfect for Halloween or just creating a spooky ambiance any other day of the year.

Me? Usually when I want to create a scary atmosphere I just turn out the lights completely and then turn them on again when the cockroaches come out.

Instant terror, but I love the adrenaline rush that hits me just before I run outside and make a man-shaped hole in my screen door. I should probably call the exterminator since these things have started making Predator noises.

The Snack Rat Keeps Guests From Your Food

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rat snack
Man I hate it when guests drop by unannounced! Sike! Like that even happens to me. I once went a whole month without even talking to another human. It’s called Minecraft and I can quit at any time! Anyway, if you get some unexpected company and you are not prepared to feed them, you need the Snack Rat. You just set out the Snack Rat tin and no one will even care about your meager food offerings. No one wants to eat with the Snack Rat’s beady eyes on them!

Fun fact: I usually perform the role of the Snack Rat during Thanksgiving dinner with my wife and her family. Beady eyes. Check. Makes humans feel uncomfortable. Check. Total silence. Check. I just keep it up until they all leave in disgust for Chinese, then eat everything myself. The next day I mention that my thyroid problem is acting up again, which explains the weight gain.

Snack Rat strikes again!

Mythical Creature Dioramas

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mythical creature diorama chupacabra
These mythical creature dioramas from Etsy seller PearsonMaron are a fun way to celebrate El Chupacabra, Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster. These fun and cartoony scenes make these terrifying creatures a little friendlier. I’m sure that Chupacabra is not going to suck all of the blood from that goat. He’s just gonna- Oh, who am I kidding? He is going to rip that goat a new throat-hole and then go back to the underground lab that genetically spawned him.

These creatures scare me to death. The other day I visited a petting zoo and spotted some hoof prints in the snow and I knew that either a Chupacabra or a demon was on the loose.

Those were just baby goat tracks.

Really? Then how do you explain the fact that they were FOLLOWING that baby goat from behind? I never did see it again. It’s the same way I know when a Bigfoot is following me. His tracks are always leading right TO ME. I am so close to cracking this conspiracy.
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Hibernate With This Sleeping Grizzly Bear Bean Bag

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sleeping bear bean bag
Some days you get the bear and some days the bear gets you. Some days you just lay down with the bear and roll around like a couple goofballs and hope to hell your buddy doesn’t rip your spleen out or take your face off.

This Sleeping Grizzly Bear Bean Bag looks pretty obese. That means he’s a good cuddler. At least that’s why my wife says I’m so cuddly. This fat bear is not just for sitting on. He’ll keep you warm even on the coldest night. And if he doesn’t I’ll just turn my lightsaber on and cut into his belly and climb in until a snowspeeder spots me in the morning. Then I’ll spend like 4 hours in a bacta tank recovering. It won’t be long before I head to the Dagobah system to train as a Jedi. Go me!
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