Tag: etsy

Lizard King Mask

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

lizard king mask
Holy leaping lizards! I am the lizard king. I can do anything! This lizard king mask is awesome as hell. I mean, just imagine being the actual lizard king! Every time you walk into a room full of lizards, they would all stand at attention. Fancy medieval castle music might even play.

I personally never thought that I would get a shot at lizard royalty, but this mask gives me a chance at my dreams. I would make a few grunts and order a random Chameleon executed while I stuff my fat lizard face with food. I hate those guys. I would go mad with power.

Be right back. Gotta drain the lizard!
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Dead Spider Leg Ring

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dead spider leg ring
You know, I don’t see what the big deal is about this Dead Spider Leg Ring. I mean, I already have a million of these things to choose from and they didn’t cost me anything. *Walks into the garage. Looks through the dust at the selection of dead spiders, legs all up in the air.* Which one of you will it be today? Ah! You. You have pretty red markings!

Guys, check out my sweet dead spider ring, complete with hourglass design. OW!!!! It’s alive. It’s alive. Not letting go! Hourglass means what? Well, I’m off to the hospital. *Looks at spider still attached to finger* You think you’re a widow? Not anymore. I’ll get the hospital in time my dear. This time I shall be the widow…er. *Throws it down. Stomps it good.*

Grumpy Old Man Face Necklaces

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Grumpy Old Man Face Necklaces
This is a Grumpy Old Man Face Necklace. I only showed one cuz one grumpy old coot looks pretty much like another. Grumpy old men are totally in style this season. Also, when you ladies wear this, it’s like man repellent. Let’s say you’re on a date and the guy gets all touchy-feely. That’s when this thing comes to life.

“Whoa Nelly. I’d move that hand mister. I dint raise this calf to be milked by the likes o you!” And this creepy coffin dodger doesn’t just have eyes on your upper half. Let’s say your date tries to make a move in a much lower area. “Got Dammit! Get off my lawn you somb-itch!”

Yeah, wear this old fart if you want, just don’t expect any sexy-time. At least the nose pendant can only smell what you are doing.

Dragon Eye Eye Patches

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Dragon Eye Eye Patches
Cue montage of me beating up meat in a freezer. Training hardcore rocky style while I wear my sweet Dragon eye patch. Jumping rope. Doing sit ups as my trainer teases me with a piece of bacon just out of reach. I’m feeling good! Feeling pumped! I can do this!

It’s the…eye of the dragon
It’s the thrill of the fight….

Mick, my trainer is all like, “Are you a dragon or a door mouse? Get out there and do it. Show ’em what a dragon can do. You got heart kid. Clobber ’em and breath fire. Don’t stop until the fire department comes to pick up his ashes. Eye of the dragon kid! Now go!” *Pushes me into the ring.*

Ding. Ding.

In this corner, me, hitting my gloves together and jumping up and down, ready for action. In the opposite corner… Yeah, it’s that spider that I saw, looking creepy as f**k.

*Runs away screaming.* Here, you have the eye of the dragon Mick. I don’t want it anymore. I’m just gonna get a fly swatter and hope for the best. Can you kill it? Please?????

Elven Warrior Lamb Taxidermy

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Elven Warrior Lamb Taxidermy
You aren’t a man until you have ridden an Elven Warrior Lamb into bahhhhh-ttle and lived to tell the tale. They are fierce beasts with unicorn horns and a woolly resolve.

It’s really weird too, because “on the lamb” means on the run, so when your battle commanders shouts “on the lamb, now you idiots” people just run. That’s probably why our LARPing guild only needs one of these guys.
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