Tag: etsy

$6,500.00 Fiberglass Python

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fiberglass snakeSnakes! Why’d it have to be snakes? This 14 foot fiberglass python will scare the bejesus out of anything and anyone in your yard. It basically looks like one long bloody entrail. It weighs about 75-80 lbs. Not that size matters.

This should keep any form of life well away from your yard. Especially those boy scouts that collect canned food and leave that bag on your door so it ends up floating around in your yard, making you look like you are a pig. Yeah, I hate that. This should keep those little patch-earning fetuses away.
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Are You Bloody Crazy?: Star Trek Captain Kirk Menstrual Pad

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captain kirk menstrual padThis Star Trek menstrual pad is ready and waiting. You decide Captain Kirk’s destiny. Will you make him the first Captain in Starfleet history to go from a gold shirt to a red shirt?

Kirk to Spock. I know we are supposed to go where no man has gone before, but I’m pretty sure other’s have been here. Personal log…It’s also…*hand gesture* very…dark…and wet. I want to beam out, but is she green? If she’s green, I’ll stay. Is that wrong? Spock? Hello?

Zombie Light Switch Cover

Artemis Winterford2 Comments

zombie light switch coverThis Zombie light switch cover will serve as a good reminder to always keep the lights on. Supernatural stuff usually kills people at night. You know what else kills at night? Stepping on LEGO pieces with bare feet, cursing at the top of one’s lungs and then tripping over the actual LEGO creation that you built as you fall backwards on your butt.

True story.

Pro tip: There’s no good way to explain to the doctor how a Harry Potter mini figure ended up lodged inside your chamber of secrets. Always keep the lights on people.

Look Sharp With A Porcupine Quill Mirror

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porcupine mirrorOuch! Damn! Oh HOLY HELL! The blood is everywhere. Make the spurting stop. Dear God please! *passes out*

An hour later:

Ambulance guy 1: Passed out from blood loss.

Ambulance guy 2: How the hell did he think he was going to hang that on the wall safely?

Ambulance Guy 1: Is this guy’s name Caesar?

Ambulance guy 2: Huh? Oh, because he got stabbed so many times. Heh. Good one. Well, he ain’t hanging that thing up with his bloody nubs. Let’s get him out of here.

Me: Et tu, Etsy? *passes out again*

I’ve Done All Of Those: 7 Deadly Sins Tattoo Tights

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7 deadly sinsThe 7 deadly sins. I have done and survived all of ’em. But I didn’t look that sexy doing ’em! Look at those gams! Holy cow! I used to be a butt man, but now I’m a leg man. She transformed me, just like that. You have some powerful legs, Miss Etsy model tease. Man I envy you-

Score! Did it again. I am breaking these commandments like a Kit-Kat Bar. Oh snap! Did it again. That would be gluttony for all of you keeping score at home. Cause I had like 10 Kit-Kats already today. That is also greed. Just layin’ here eaten ’em up. All sloth-like. Boo-Ya! You…Just…Can’t…Stop…Me!