Tag: mummy

That’s A Wrap: Mummy Leggings

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That's A Wrap Mummy Leggings
If you want to look like a yummy mummy below the tummy…Oh turds, I ran out of rhyming words. Be the best dressed mummy this side of de-Nile with these Mummy Leggings. It’s not just a river in Egypt. No, it’s not. I’m denying it. Anywho, these leggings will make you look good when you rise from your crypt in the morning.

I DIYed a pair once, but three thousand band-aids don’t hold up well in the washing machine, which turned them into a small mummy ball. I guess it’s good for mummy soccer. Just an idea I’m kicking around. Do you like that joke? Was it funny? This has been “The Insecure Comedian.” I’ll be here all week, but I won’t make eye contact. How’s my hair? I hope you like me.
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Limited Edition Classic Monster Garter Belt

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universal monsters garter belt
Oh my stars and garters! Whatever that means. All I know is that this Limited Edition Classic Monster Garter Belt is sexy time with monsters, which as it happens is also the name of my new band. Basically the idea is that we get up on stage and dry hump a bunch of monster props. I’m in charge of the mummy and boy am I chaffing right now. Who’s got some Goldbond powder? No one? Itchy itchy ouch ouch!

Since this thing is a limited edition, you know that your girl is going to be one of the select few covering her Universal monster with another universal monster. Aaahoooooo! Werewolves of lingerie Aaahooooooooooo!

Mummified Baby Bird Feeder

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

mummified baby bird feeder
Damn that’s nasty! Don’t have a mummified corpse to put in your yard so that birds and squirrels can feed from it’s dead body? No problem. Etsy seller AutumnsOddities has you covered. Your yard animals will love this Mummified Baby Bird Feeder.

Basically it makes it look like you left your kid permanently unattended in your yard until little Bobby or Susie has become squirrel food. Just fill it up with bird seed and then watch nature do it’s nasty thing. Just remember, they’ll be pecking at you next while you try to sip some lemonade in the backyard.
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Bizarre Two Headed Mummy

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twin terrorsThis monstrosity looks like every annoying teen duo that you have ever seen at the mall, just gabbing away at each other’s faces like sugar-fueled little rottweilers barking things like “OMG”, “I know, right!”, “That was so totes brill Bethany!”, and other stupid things at each other. These terror twins just have more rotted skin and yet are less emaciated than the mall rat variety. They are also much smarter and less likely to get hit by a bus while checking a text, saying, “OMG guys! It’s from Brad!”

These two are BFFs, literally. Connected for all time. They look just as shallow as mall vermin, but they won’t run their gobs non-stop at you. It only looks like they are talking each other’s decaying heads off. Only $625 on Ebay.

One more shot below.
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