Tag: novelty

Gothic Mansion Portraits Make Your Walls Weird

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Gothic Mansion Portraits Make Your Walls Weird
I don’t need this because my family portraits are all weird already, but these Gothic Mansion Portraits will put weirdos all over your walls. These Gothic Mansion Portraits will add an eerie air to the hallways and walls in your haunted house or office. You get two 65″ x 33.5″ sheets to make a scene over 5′ tall. Pretty freaky, therefore pretty awesome.

Now your house will look spooky and scary all year round. Note to whoever owns the Amityville house, your house already looks weird enough. Really. It has eyes. It can’t get any scarier.

Freddy Krueger Starter Glove: Slash By Numbers

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Freddy Krueger Starter Glove Slash By Numbers
Let’s say you are demented and want to teach your kid about Freddy Krueger. Where do you start? I guess you could buy some hard to find horror inspired kids toys, or you could buy them a training glove. Like this Freddy Krueger Starter Glove. That’s just what I’m calling it. The knives on the fingers have been replaced by numbers. This way you can train the little one in a safe way.

I dunno. I’m just guessing that’s what it’s for. The seller thinks it’s for counting sheep, but no way that works. How am I gonna count sheep this way when my hands are always busy under the blankets? Maybe it’s a glove for those math-gangs I heard were terrorizing our neighborhoods, flashing gang signs and math problems at each other. I ain’t messin’ with none a that! Last time I got in between the Pythagoras Possee and the Wu-Trig Clan they beat the Pi outta me.
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Plush Loch Ness Monster: I Saw It! I Saw It!

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Plush Loch Ness Monster I Saw It! I Saw It!
Oh Nessie, you’re so fine. You’re so fine you blow my mind. Hey Nessie. Hey Nessie. He’s plush. He’s supernatural. Even Leonard Nimoy was in search of him. I’m talking about Nessie. The Loch Ness Monster. Here he is in Plush Loch Ness Monster form. You’ve just had a sighting! Better report that shizz and share your blurry pic. Yeah, looks like a log with fins to me. You can take a pic of your crummy breakfast for instagram, but you can’t photograph a majestic and mythic beast huh? Whatevs.

Oh Nessie, what a pity you don’t understand
You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand
Oh Nessie, you’re so pretty, can’t you understand
It’s plush like you Nessie
Oh, what you do Nessie, do Nessie
Don’t break my heart, Nessie.

Fun Fact: Nessie has a wife named bessie and likes to swim with his daughter Jesse. Can we spot them? Lesee… Damn, I should be a children’s writer. That’s where my skill level is anyway. I so rock the market of the under-developed mind. Takes one to know one.
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Bat Wing Heart Necklace: Batman Approves

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Bat Wing Heart Necklace
Here’s one from “Bat” Midler. Did you ever know that you’re my hero? You are the wind beneath my wings. And that wind smells rancid. But that’s only because you had tacos today, so I totally get it. I love you anyway. Here, have this awesome Bat Wing Heart Necklace. Because you’ve flown away with my heart, then taken it back to your bat cave and nibbled on it while hanging upside down and pooping bat poop all over the cave floor.

If bats hang upside down to sleep, do they ever have nightmares and poop all over themselves? Probably. Bats aren’t very smart. Anywho, this awesome necklace makes a great gift for the bat lover in your life. Who doesn’t love bats? I love bats. You love bats. Baseball players are always talking about ’em too. We are all batty for bats.
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Zombie Apocalypse Necklace

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Zombie Apocalypse Necklace
When in the middle of the zombie apocalypse, you gotta look cool. Wear something freaky and intimidating so zombies know you mean business. Like a necklace full of babies. That’s what the Zombie Apocalypse Necklace is. You’re also gonna need a baby on board sign. Cuz you know, you got babies on board.

Hey babies. Get on my neck! That’s right zombies, if I have a neck full of babies, I won’t have a problem chopping your head off. Yeah, that’s what I thought! Keep shuffling, you brain craving freak.

Can be worn as a necklace or as a creepy baby beard.