Tag: odd

Human Heart Candle – Turn On Your Heart Light

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Human Heart Candle - Turn On Your Heart Light
Boom-boom. Boom-boom. Boom-boom. That’s the sound this Human Heart Candle makes. What, yours is all pitter patter? Yeah, but did you have a six pack of Red Bull and a bag of Oreos? That’s what I thought. Uh-oh. Just started going boom boom boom. *Listens with my stethoscope against the heart. Heart puffs up and then contracts. Something smells funny. I look at the patient.* Did you just heart in here?

Have a heart and heart this hearty heart. I bet you don’t drive much Mr.Heart, cuz I can see you lack the blood vessels. Zing! I like you so much I’m gonna give you an award. Here have this plaque. Oh… Looks like you have enough already. Zing! Alright, don’t have a coronary!

Knit Human Centipede

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Knit Human Centipede
Oh man… Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Knit Human Centipede. It is knit. It is human.(Vaguely. Looks like a bunch of knit fetuses pulling into a train station.) It is a centipede. That guy up front does not look happy about having to be the engine. Still better than being the caboose. I’d rather be draggin’ than gaggin’ if ya know what I’m saying.

Bone Decor – Skull Chair

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Bone Decor - Skull Chair
This Skull Chair just wants to sit in your living room and look cool. It’s a piece of furniture that goes against the grain. The Mi-Graine! Just sit right back and consider yourself it’s brains. Cuz it has none. And when you bring this thing home, be careful not to bang it against the wall, otherwise this guy will be a numb-skull. Heh! I really do love a good skull joke. So does God apparently, judging by my weird head.

This chair is way too much work anyway. Every time you move it, it scraps against the floor and leaves marks, like it is eating your hardwood floors with it’s dead upper teeth. Have you been sharpening your teeth on the floor again? Bad skull. Bad skull. I would rub your face in it, but you are nothing but face, so that seems wrong somehow.

via Fubiz

Micro Fears Miniature Horror Figures

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Micro Fears Miniature Horror Figures
These Micro Fears Miniature Horror Figures are cool mini horror figures, cuz you can’t handle the full-sized horror.The seller has several cool figures to choose from, including Bigfoot, The Mummy, even some mini dioramas. Pretty sweet. I hope they make more. You don’t have such big feet now, do you? You big hairy, walking carpet. Why don’t you vacuum yourself you big carpet? Just messin’ with you.

Put these cool figures on your desk and play with them like action figures. I can’t wait to pit Bigfoot against The Mummy. My money is on the Mummy, because you don’t f**k with a guy brave enough to wrap himself in dirty toilet paper. What? That’s not his origin story? I thought he wrapped himself in used TP and died from diarrhea germs. That’s not how he got his costume and superpowers? Hmmm. He doesn’t seem so interesting now.
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Inflatable Crashed UFO

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Inflatable Crashed UFO
What the deuce? That’s no weather balloon! Also not swamp gas! You put this Inflatable Crashed UFO in your yard and the military is gonna show up and start silencing witnesses. They don’t want you to know that inflatable aliens exist. They also want to reverse engineer inflatable UFOs and steal their superior inflatable UFO technology.

Why do you think our pool toys got so much better? Why do you think our love dolls are so irresistible? With such full lips and soft skin. So realistic… Just guessing about that last one.

And I don’t need no Men in Black showing up. I already know. I didn’t see nothing and nothing happened here. Consider my mind like my butt. Wiped.