Author: Artemis Winterford

Steampunk Frankenstein Costume

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steampunk frankenstein
This Steampunk Frankenstein Costume makes Franky look like he’s so bad ass he got kicked out of the Borg Collective. Okay, it’s not technically Frankenstein since that was guy who created the monster. Geesh. Control your nerd rage.

It’s alive Igor!!!!!!! It’s alive!!!!!

Yes master, but why does it need those tubes?

Just looks cool.

His hair is not the best master.

Neither is yours.

His skin doesn’t look so healthy. Are you sure he’s alive master? I just mean, he kinda looks corpse like. Are you sure you don’t have more work to do?

Enough. I’m just not very good at this okay. I’ve had a tough week. Allergies, a wife who wants alimony, been waiting all day for a lightning storm…*Cries* And all you can do is complain. No, don’t touch me! I just need some space.
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Monster Teeth Coasters

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Monster Coasters
What the? Damn it grandma, you left your dentures out again. *Canned laughter* My boss is coming over for dinner and those are a dead giveaway that you are really a demon under that moo-moo. That and your demon breath. *More canned laughter* Try a tic-tac. I thought we talked about this.

Well, if you don’t move ’em, I’m using ’em as a nasty monster teeth coaster. At least then they’ll think I just ordered ’em off of Etsy. God those dentures are nasty! Do you even brush those? Oh no! Did you glue that on the table? *Ding-dong!* *Looks at camera shocked as it zooms in.*

This has been another episode of My Favorite Grand-Demon. Only on NBC.
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You Have Just Been Poisoned Drinking Glass

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You Have Just Been Poisoned Drinking Glass
*Glug glug glug. Ahhhhhh. Refreshing.* You Have Just Been Poisoned. What in the holy hemlock? Depending on how fast the poison acts, I have between 2 seconds and 10 hours to solve my own murder. First, who would want to harm me? I’ll never get through that list in time. Who could have done it? I’m here all alone. That’s it! I have another personality and they want me dead. I’ll show them. Fills up the cup with poison and Sunny D. No one can resist Sunny D. Now I just wait for them to show up and drink. *Falls asleep waiting*

*Stretches and yawns as I wake up.* Mouth…so…dry. Mmmmm. Yummy Sunny D. *Glug glug glug* You have just been poisoned.

God Damnit!

Who could have done this? Who wants me dead?

Wooden Bat Wings Bow Tie

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bat bow tie
Sometimes I invite vampires to dress up and attend my fancy balls. My vampire balls are held strictly for fun of course. In fact I have often heard it said that my Vampire balls are “sweaty, but well formed”, because I do tend to have the heat up, but it is all planned out perfectly. Others say that my Vampire balls are “high and tight” and they are, as we are on the penthouse floor, but in a small side room.

But enough about my great big swinging Vampire balls. If you attend, make sure you wear something like this cool Wooden Bat Wings Bow Tie. If I am impressed, perhaps next year I will put you in charge and then you can hold my Vampire balls for me.

Mushion Pillows: Now You Can Sit On Your Own Face

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Mushion Pillows
I hear ya. What the hell is a Mushion? Right? Sounds like a cushion made out of mush. Close. It’s a picture of your face blown up and made into a pillow. Mushion Pillows will let you sit on your own face. Or someone else’s. You can also make a pillow of someone else’s face and practice kissing it for like an hour until your mom barges in, sees you tonguing the pillow and starts crying, asking where she went wrong. It’s happened to all of us right? I mean, not me. Just sayin’.

I would use it as a voodoo type pillow and fart in the faces of my enemies, hoping that they smell my farts wherever they are.
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