Author: Artemis Winterford

Fantasy Creatures From Another Dimension

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Creepy Little Creatures
I’m pretty sure these Fantasy Creatures from Sweetsign would bite my hand off if I tried to pet them. So I’ll probably never ever touch them. I’ll just throw bed crumbs at them, until I have a huge mound of moldy bread in front of the shelf that they are occupying. Then I still won’t feel safe. And I’ll have bugs. Which they will probably love. They’ll come off of the shelf, eat a few bread bugs, then go back to displaying themselves. Then they’ll demand more bugs. Which takes more moldy bread….

What I’m trying to say is, this is why my house is a pigsty. You think I like living like this? I got freaky little creatures to feed! I used this same line on my wife when we first started dating. Sucker! *Runs around the room like a Tasmanian Dirt Devil, stirring up a filth tornado and laughing maniacally.* I’ll never be clean. NEVER!
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Vintage Horror Movie Jewelry

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horror necklaces
This Vintage Horror Movie Jewelry from DecayedAngelMerch is awesome and just the right (Vincent) price. Fun fact: An Elvira choker is not a nice person, (Why would you do that?) but it does make a kick-ass piece of jewelry. Whether you have Elvira boobs or not. They also have all kinds of necklaces with vintage horror icons like Christopher Lee, Vincent Price and more. Even some not so vintage ones like Beetlejuice. I’m not saying that three times.

These make great Halloween themed gifts. You what else makes a great Halloween themed gift? Kids not bothering me on Halloween night when I have all of my lights out, while I’m hiding and eating all of their candy.
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Scene From Titanic Painting With A T-Rex

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Scene From Titanic Painting With A T-Rex
Remember that scene from Titanic where Jack paints rose? Well, now you can remember it in a whole new way. With a T-Rex.

Paint me like one of your French girls Jack.

Sure, why not? If you wanted some hair under your arms you should have just said so. Let’s give you a baguette under one arm too and put a mime in the background. And a glass of wine. Have I missed any French stereotypes? Hmmmm, let’s give you something to surrender to. Like a giant asteroid that will wipe out your entire species. Yes Rose, I can do that. Love you Rose. Now show me one of those dinosaur boobies.

The Fowl Awakens: Chickens In Star Wars Costumes

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chickens in star wars costumes
What the cluck? I’m not sure if this is several Chickens in Star Wars Costumes or just a one-chicken Star Wars show. There’s Hen Solo, Princess Lay-A, ChewBAWKa and Cluck-3PO. I don’t even care, I would watch the hell out of this Broadway play. Put ’em in some star wars vehicles and make ’em sing.

Then again, I just watched the dryer toss clothes for like an hour. It was okay, but the plot was a little dry. Could have used a dryer sheet. I felt like they just threw a bunch of stuff in just to see how it all tumbled around. I can only blame myself as the director. Friggin’ diva actors. CUT! You’re a pair of crusty old jeans. Act like it. “Well, what is my motivation? Am I happy that the wash didn’t remove the giant sh*t stain or does it eat at my soul?” It speaks to your mortality and a spastic colon as you strive for a better life. Just dive in already. ACTION!
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Donut Worry Socks

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Donut Worry Socks
These Donut Worry Socks say Donut Worry, Eat Happy. Doughnuts are an amazing food. A super food. Doughnuts are also what you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over. You think he giggles now. Try poking him in his warm and flaky bits.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doughnut.
Doughnut who?
Doughnut make me down a whole box, cuz I will! I have the socks to prove it.