Author: Artemis Winterford

Worry Warts Sculptures

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Worry Warts Sculptures
See, this is why I don’t need any stress in my life. Worry Warts. I had no idea these things were real. Now I know. It’s not the questionable women from questionable places that I sleep with giving me those weird bumps. It’s the WORRYING about what they might give me that gives me those bumps. These guys are a dead ringer for the bumps I got after picking up that female mechanic last week. Right down to the 3 hairs on their head.

She was a mechanic?

Yeah, a tranny. Works on transmissions and stuff. Duh!

Realistic Severed Fingers Soaps

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

realistic finger soap
La di da di da. *scrubbin’ away in the shower.* Oh that feels good. Can’t forget the butt crack. Wait a minute, whose- Oh it’s just my Realistic Severed Fingers Soaps. I thought I was going to have a problem there for a minute, but it’s my soap. I bought it. That makes it consensual. Still a surprise, but consensual.

I might consider melting these together so it feels like someone else is bathing me. Is that weird? What about putting a ring on one and pretending I am a blushing bride, just whisked off to my honeymoon in the Alps? The fire is blazing, the bath is warm and I’m innocent as can be as fingers gently wash my back.

Weird? Yeah, I’ll just stick with my fish in a bag soap.
Read more “Realistic Severed Fingers Soaps”

Make Every Drink A Monster Drink With These Monster Glasses

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Make Every Drink A Monster Drink With These Monster Glasses
All the kids are slamming Monster drinks, so I figured I would too. Gonna order these awesome Monster Glasses and see if they give me energy too. Plus, I’ll never forget which glass is mine. I’m Chupacabra all the way baby! Sometimes I feel like a Kraken too so I’m covered. I’ll save the Loch Ness monster for friends since it’s a rare occasion that any show up and when they do, I have no proof.

Bigfoot? I’ll fill that up and leave it on the back porch for the neighborhood Sasquatch. That way he can stop drinking from the hose when we’re not looking.

Black Leather Bone and Chain Breast Plate Body Armor

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Black Leather Bone and Chain Breast Plate Body Armor
This Black Leather Bone and Chain Breast Plate Body Armor will have you apocalypse ready in an instant. The base is made from a leather biker jacket with a bunch of deer and raccoon ribs and a muskrat skull. You know, just your standard body armor. I would totally wear this and go out into the Wasteland like Mad Max.

Every night I would sleep under the stars and wake up to birds pecking at my chest, but that’s okay. I would look badass.
Read more “Black Leather Bone and Chain Breast Plate Body Armor”

Zombie Hand Guitar Hanger And Wall Hook

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

zombie hands

Looking for a place to hang your guitar? This Zombie Hand Guitar Hanger And Wall Hook will do. You know, I’m sick of everyone perpetuating the war with zombies. I’m a peacemaker. I’m also a hell of a pizza maker, but that’s another story. Anyway, I would use this Zombie Hand to practice my diplomatic skills. And you can too.

First hang it low on the wall.
Next approach it slowly.
Then gently take the hand and shake it. Say “How do you do? My name is so and so. No, not sew and sew, that’s my grandmother.” Talk about how your peoples have been at war long enough and that it is time for a new golden age of friendship. Talk about Hope. Change. Say, Yes We can.

Then just do a 180 and cut the zombie’s damn fingers off if he doesn’t cooperate cuz that’s how politics works and they are all lying bastards. No wonder zombies hate you.