Author: Artemis Winterford

Ugly Christmas Sweater Cookies

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ugly christmas sweater cookiesThese ugly Christmas sweater cookies seem to be sold out right now, but if you ask the seller they might make you some. I don’t think they’re ugly. They look delicious. I think I have some of those exact ones.

Hopefully they don’t taste like my sweater. Booze and regret mixed with a bunch of meh and a touch of bah humbug. Nah, I’m just kidding. I’m just bummed I can’t eat all of these sugary sweaters. Also bummed that when I add water to my current sweater and wring her out, no more booze. I guess it’s back to the store for me.

Gator Veil: Worn On The Bayou, Lord, Lord

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gator veilDamn! I had no idea that the next Mad Max was being filmed in the swamp. Calling it now! Gatordome! Two gators enter, one gator leaves. And there’s a tailgater outside. Seriously that’s a croc.

I’ll tell ya what’s not a croc. This veil. This Gator veil can be worn to swampland funerals and Bayou barbecues, but don’t wear it to Louisiana lunches, cause Louisiana lunches only have one thing they’re serving up. That’d be you gator-bait!

Later alligators, after while Tetris tile.
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UPS Merman Christmas Ornament

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ups merman ornamentWait what? That’s right. A UPS merman Christmas Ornament. I also asked myself why. I have no idea, You know how much weird stuff I see all day long? I could write a blog about it. Oh right. I do.

Hello? UPS? I’d like to make a complaint. I was standing on my porch waiting for the Fedex guy when the UPS guy, a merman by the way, swims up to me, all bobbing and waving in the air. Dude had his shirt unbuttoned and was fondling the hell out of my package. Said his name was Barry-L. He smelled like trout and aftershave. The neighborhood cats that followed the truck as it left that day ain’t been right since. All they do is make left turns now. Dude dripped a small pond on my porch too.

Aromas Assemble!: The Avengers Cologne Set

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avengers cologneThis Avengers Cologne set is awesome. And trust me, I need to upgrade my smell. As it is now, people have labeled my particular scent as: Rank, ripe, a trash truck on fire on a humid day, a Grateful Dead concert in it’s fifth hour and my personal favorite; a weaponized form on man-thrax. Hey, I forget to put on deodorant. Sooorrry!

Well, now I’m gonna smell great.

Captain America – Patriot
Smells like some World War II dude who slept for like 70 years. Musty and dusty, but his butt-kicking skills are not rusty.

Iron Man – Mark IV
Smells like stale sweat trapped in a jet-powered suit and since your pee-technology just gave out, there’s a wee trickle of urine with a splash of citrus.

Hulk – Be Angry
This is a grunting savage scent. It smells large, foul and angry. Think an hour after Taco Bell smell.

Thor – Worthy
Smells manly, earthy like a forged fire. But when it wears off your BO hits people like a hammer.

Nah. I’m just kidding. People say they smell good. Of course anything beats raw nerd smell, which is a cross between stale comic book paper and mom’s basement. Now where did my new Hulk issues get to?

Santaur Christmas Tree Ornament

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santaur ornamentHey look! It’s Santa in centaur form, sporting a big old booty and a buff chest. The head, arms, and torso are all Santa, but the body and legs are all horse. This basically give him more horsepower so he can deliver presents faster. You know. Like those socks and sweaters that he knows I hate, yet still gets me every year.

He’s magical. He’s mythical. He’s merry. He’s also, apparently, a friggin’ Pokemon. I can’t wait to see what he evolves into next year. He’ll probably have dragon wings and a snake body and turn all evil once the stress of Christmas Eve gets to be too much. Naturally, he will set fire to whole towns. Eventually another mythical creature will have to intervene. Jesus! Who else ya gonna call? FIGHT!

But wait. Here comes Krampus! The carnage! Streets on fire! Reindeers impaled on church steeples!We are all screwed!
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