Author: Artemis Winterford

Bird Footed Vodka Shot Glasses

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

bird feet shot glassesBartender! I’ll have a shot of Vodka, but only if you can serve it on top of a chicken foot with strange magical symbols on it.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get the hell away from whoever made these shot glasses out of their feet. That’s why. Seems pretty obvious to me now.

Here are a set of 6 bird footed shot glasses. I wouldn’t recommend tracing those symbols with your finger. They seem all magical and dangerous. They come from Russia with love.

In mother Russia, you are not truly drunk until table filled with feet of bird!

Cable Knit Sweater Pillar Candles

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

cable knit sweater candleIt is getting downright cold outside. It’s time for sweaters, fleece and mittens. It’s so cold, even the candles are starting to dress for winter. Take these Cable Knit Sweater Pillar Candles. They’re dressed up all warm and cozy, just like you and me.

I saw these last week and thought I could make my own. Long story short, a few sweaters glued around a wick and reinforced with earwax that I had laying around don’t make for a safe candle. Or as the fireman said, “It’s this idiot again guys. Let it burn!” Then later while I was sipping hot cocoa with a blanket around me, “Son, you are a special kind of stupid. Should you even be living on your own?”

Well duh! I’ve been saying that for years. Anyone have a sweater? I’m freezing here.

Ebola Epidemic Cutting Board

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

ebola cutting boardStop fearing the latest stuff “they” want you to fear and just embrace it. Put some Ebola in your kitchen to keep all of your E-Coli company with this Ebola Epidemic Cutting Board.

Chop, chop, chop those vegetables on this cutting board that has Ebola, Salmonella, Swine Flu, Bird Flu, Meningitis and more. Now you can tell your hypochondriac friends that everything was prepared on a cutting board riddled with bacteria and viruses. Then watch them scream and run out.

Texas Wound ‘Em: Bandage Shaped Poker Playing Cards

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

bandage playing cardsI have a full house, Boo-boos high. I have a royal flush, ouchies high. I have a pair of one eye’d kings…because they both got stabbed in the eye.

Fun for the whole family. These Bandage Shaped Poker Playing Cards combine two of our favorite pastimes, Poker and open wounds that need bandaging. How do you not already use these cards on your Poker night? They look like bandages, but are playing cards.

They were obviously designed by some kid who skinned his knee running away from a poker game where he just cleaned all the other kids out, cheating them out of all of their pop-rocks and pixie sticks and other uncontrolled diabetic substances. Probably wrecked his big wheel and when he hit his head, he came up with this idea. Of course his parents probably stole his money and so today he lives in a shack in Arkansas where he hits his head repeatedly on the wall, trying to strike gold again. Sad really.

Christmas Elf On The Shelf Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Costume

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

elf on a shelf ninja turtle
This elf is bad to the bone. He doesn’t just sit on the shelf. He cosplays while he’s up there. As a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Etsy seller Candygramscreations makes all kinds of clothes so you can dress your Christmas elf for success. This outfit comes with a front and back shell, a belt, mask, and 4 swords. Cowabunga!

Basically she is making elves super hip and cool, because otherwise, they just sit there creeping you out. Thanks for making the world a better place. I sometimes dress my Christmas elf up as a D and D elf, because I basically have no imagination. Sometimes as one of the Rice Krispies guys.
Read more “Christmas Elf On The Shelf Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Costume”