Category: Geeky Cool Stuff

Awesome Dragons Chess Set

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Awesome Dragons Chess Set
You might not know it, but I’m a Chess grandmaster. No, really. I paid a grand for that diploma and it says master. So I’m totally qualified to buy this Awesome Dragons Chess Set. Trust me, it’s impressive, cuz I’m not even qualified to buy a bicycle. According to that guy at Toys R Us anyway. First off, I am NOT too “big, fat and stupid” to ride that bike with the sweet Pokemon design. Second, that frame was snapped in half long before I sat on it. Third, why can’t I pay you in snack foods?

Anyway, here there be dragons! I’ll spend my money on that instead. I’m not too big and fat to break a chess board with mighty dragons on it! Although I did once sit on a checkers board and break it in half. It was Chinese checkers though, so I blame shoddy workmanship. Not my big fat ass.
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Hamburger Couch Pillows

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hamburger couch pillows
Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. Okay, these Hamburger Couch Pillows don’t have all of those things, but they come close. I would lay in this pile of pillows all day long, using the cheese as a blanket. Cuz I’m smart like that. And I’m already covered in cheese most days anyway.

*Looks down at yellow/orange shirt. Peels shirt off of my skin and starts eating it* Mmmmm. Still tastes like pepperoni! Why would I start the day off with a shirt when I knew I was gonna drip cheese all over myself anyway? What you call lazy, I call multitasking.
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40 Pounds Of Lucky Charms Marshmallows

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lucky charms marshmallows
Running around in my underwear like a fat leprechaun all hopped up on pixie dust screaming, “40 Pounds Of Lucky Charms Marshmallows!” over and over again.

*A magic fairy godmother appears* Do you want 40 Pounds Of Lucky Charms Marshmallows? *Stops. Shakes head. Giggles like an idiot. She waves her magic wand.*

***************

A family of 10 sits down to eat their 40 Pounds Of Lucky Charms Marshmallows out of a giant kiddy pool on their table. *A shriek in the distance, followed by a sonic boom.* WOOOOOOO-HOOOOOO! *I fall through the ceiling and land in the giant bowl of Luck Charms.* Thanks magic fairy lady!

*Ignores the screams and shrieks as I pig out face first, sucking it all up and making warrior noises.*

Alien Facehugger With Moveable Tail And Limbs

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Alien Facehugger
Sorry I’m late guys. Slammed too many Monster drinks and right now I’m twitchier than a facehugger in a room full of mannequin heads. This Alien Facehugger With Moveable Tail And Limbs is not helping. I discovered it at the same time my cat was behind me and put her tail in my face.

Ahhhh! Facehuggers are real! Get it off! *Grabs tail. Cat screams. I scream. We all scream, but not for ice cream.* And now I have a cat shaped hole in the wall and a pissed off cat with a vendetta. So anyway, I’m all extra tweaky. Did you hear that? Was that a real sound?

Anyway, this creeptastic Facehugger is all articulated with moveable limbs and tail. I’m not scared. I’ll grab it by the back of whatever passes for a neck and point it at a Budweiser. I just turned a facehugger into a beer chugger. Cuz I’m awesome like that.

DEAR GOD! CAT ON FACE! CAT ON FACE!
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Bloody Shark Bathtub Drain Stopper

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Bloody Shark Bathtub Drain Stopper
Damn that’s nasty. This Bloody Shark Bathtub Drain Stopper makes it look like a shark has swam up your bathtub pipe after a ferocious and bloody meal and just kinda got stuck there. Now he’s just hanging out, enjoying the suds from your bubbles, while you two make small talk. Hopefully he doesn’t get loose and start swimming toward your junk.

“What do you have detective?”

*Hovers over body in tub* “This is the second one this week. We appear to have a serial killer. One that likes to eviscerate nads while the victim is enjoying a nice bubble bath. Nothing else is touched. When he finishes his work, he drains the water and with it the evidence. Notice the blood wiped on this guy’s lips. It’s as if something very small and very bloody kissed him afterwards, all ritualistic like. Sicko!”

Fin!
(Haha. Get it? It means the end. Also shark fin! I rock. No…. I Rock Z. Ha ha. I did it again. Like the car. Iroc Z. Other writers can suck it!)