Category: Geeky Cool Stuff

Star Wars Lightsaber House Keys

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light saber key cover
These Star Wars Lightsaber keys would totally destroy you plain old house key in a fight. *Makes cool lightsaber sounds* Pretty awesome. But WTF? You have to train in a swamp just to learn Jedi powers? What is Yoda gonna make me do to earn a friggin’ Lightsaber key? I suppose I have to do fancy Jedi moves around my neighborhood with him on my back!

Not enough it is to feel the force. You must use the force to pick up this dog doody. *concentrates as dog doody hovers in mid-air* Good very good. Higher it must go. Feel the force flow through the doody. You and the doody are one. Feel it’s corn. Be one with the stink. Higher still, you must lift it. Good. Now drop the doody in that chimney, you must!

WTF Yoda?

Judged me by my size, that one did. Know where he lives, I do. Pay now, he will!

Bear Paw Serving Bowl

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bear paw serving bowl
This bear paw serving bowl is how a real man eats his Chex party mix. Preferably from a bear you hunted yourself, but since I only like to act tough, I’ll just buy this serving bowl and act all macho. Right up until the wife gives me an ear full about how party mix is bad for me and I cower and whimper when she takes it away. Party mix bad? How could any party be bad? I guess I’ll just have to grin and bear it. Heh heh! I write these things up like I’m bustin’ a rhyme.

Yo yo!
My prose is grizzly
The weather is drizzly
Brown bear, polar, I don’t give a cluck
I see him come rollin, I run straight for my truck.
Gun it down the highway, nothing but cryin’
Did you poop your pants?
Of course I’m lyin’!

Take A Bite Out Of Laundry: Shark Laundry Hamper

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shark laundry basket.jpg
This Shark Laundry Hamper has a lot to teach us about how we deal with sharks in the wild. You’ll notice that the idea is to throw your dirty and nasty clothes into the shark’s mouth. It’s fun, but also educational.

Pro tip: Humans perspire. We are dirty, stinky, nasty creatures that smell like a dog’s bunghole at the end of the day if we don’t bath and use soap and stuff. So don’t go in the water until you haven’t bathed for a good 2 weeks. When you do, go in fully clothed. And when attacked by a shark, throw your nasty human feces smelling second skins in the shark’s food-hole.

If Roy Scheider had done that in the first place it would have saved me a good 2 hours of terror!

Dragon Dice

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dragon dice
Dragon Dice! The game of dragons and dice! New from Spaz-bro! These dragon dice are just what a nerd like me needs to up my D and D cred with my dungeon-mates. I kind of opened a door without checking for traps. Then ran in and found myself in the center of like 50 sleeping Orcs in their barracks. Who all woke up because I yelled, “What’s up biatches!” So much for stealth.

As punishment they fireballed and lightninged the whole room, with me in it. They haven’t let me play since, even though I brought cookies last time. These dragon dice should make up for it. Then I’ll be back to getting people killed in no time.
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Pirate Shipwreck Bed

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pirate ship bed
My parents never bought me anything cool like this Authentic Pirate Ship Bed. Instead they poured all of their hard-earned money into a college education and look how well that worked out. I still pretend I’m a Veterinarian when I call home and on Christmas I surround myself with 3-legged dogs and the like when they come over. Sometimes they ask me to diagnose their pets and sadly, the easiest way to lie my way through it, is with a needle and the words “This really is the kindest thing for him.”

It’s their own fault. If they had just spent their money on this awesome Pirate bed we would all be happier and their pets might live longer lives.
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