Ah, the old ball and chain. Or as I call it, a $600 marriage simulator. Just attach this baby to your leg and get to dragging it. It isn’t a perfect simulation. I mean, you won’t have anyone nagging you about your glass leaving rings on the furniture, or complaining about that new power drill you bought for her birthday, but you will be sore and hurting after about a week with this thing.

I kid. I kid. My wife is great. And by wife, I mean cat. I still have to feed her and provide for her like a real woman, but she doesn’t hiss nearly as loud when I do something wrong. And you can’t get the wife de-clawed! Am I right fellows?*waits for high five that never comes* Sigh. I am so so lonely.

Yes, I will scratch between your ears. Yes, I’ll get the fancy food you like. I told you, I’ll clean the litter box when I have time. You did what? Great. Poop on the bed. Real grownup. You did that because my mother is visiting. Don’t deny it.