Tag: accessory

Limited Edition Classic Monster Garter Belt

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universal monsters garter belt
Oh my stars and garters! Whatever that means. All I know is that this Limited Edition Classic Monster Garter Belt is sexy time with monsters, which as it happens is also the name of my new band. Basically the idea is that we get up on stage and dry hump a bunch of monster props. I’m in charge of the mummy and boy am I chaffing right now. Who’s got some Goldbond powder? No one? Itchy itchy ouch ouch!

Since this thing is a limited edition, you know that your girl is going to be one of the select few covering her Universal monster with another universal monster. Aaahoooooo! Werewolves of lingerie Aaahooooooooooo!

Fleece Sloth Animal Hat

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

fleece sloth hat
This Brown Fleece Sloth Animal Hat will keep you warm, but it will take all damn day to do it. Do you have any idea how slow Sloths are? They’re full of slow slothhy sloth-ness, which is a medical condition. You would have to tell this hat, “Hey, I’m going out next week and it’s going to be cold. I’m gonna put you on my head now. So get your s*it together and start placing your arms in ear-warming and scarf positions now.”

It might be ready by next week if you’re lucky. What the hell is the Sloth’s problem? It’s so damn chill and slow. The stoner of the animal kingdom. Are there no predators you are worried about? Speed it up man! Even I got predators. What’s that? Oh right. Those are creditors. Always get them confused.
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Custom Gamecube Purse

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Gamecube Purse
This Custom Gamecube Purse is perfect if your name is Princess Zelda or Princess Peach. Also if you want to be able to cave some guy’s skull in when they try to steal your purse. I say, if a woman is going to wear a Gamecube purse, she should at least let a nerd like me plug my controller into her port, but then again, I’ll use any excuse to both talk to a woman and to plug my controller in her port.

Why isn’t it working? You are my dream woman, but where’s your screen? I have to say I’m very disappointed.

Wear This Pizza Hat To Pizza Hut

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pizza hat
Mama mia! Why you a wear da pizza on your head? Pizza hat! Hmmm. Tough choice. Pizza Hut or Pizza Hat? Imma do both. All the fine Pizza Hut ladies are going to be eyeing my pepperoni. They might even think I own the place. They’ll invite me backstage so I can see how the pizza is made, ask for my autograph.

Then when it’s time to go, I’ll pick up my pizza hat and slam it on my head. And since it was a piping hot pizza and not my hat, half my face will be burnt off and I really will own the place thanks to a sweet lawsuit and a shady lawyer. It’s criminal to let just anyone back there with hot lava pizzas. Especially an idiot like me.

You guys should totally come check out my new franchise. I’m gonna do what they should have done a long time ago. Get the rights to Jabba the Hutt and market the shizz out of these pizzas. Free slice to anyone wearing pizza clothing. Ladies, give me your number and I’ll stuff your crust while you wrap me in bacon. Cool? Life is sweet for a pizza entrepreneur.

Terrifying Hand-Knitted Clown Balaclava

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knitted clown mask
This Terrifying Clown Balaclava is some pretty intense knitting. Yo, quit clowning around and take that thing off. I don’t like the way you’re staring at me. Well, say something! Don’t just stand there staring at me and looking all menacing and stuff. I was having a nice relaxing, clown-free day until all this. Uh. What’s with that knife? I’m assuming you are just playing some real life Fruit Ninja, but since I don’t see any other fruit, this lemon is out of here. If you prefer to put on your clown face by using good old fashioned makeup rather than donning a Clown Balaclava, check out this cool Killer Clown Makeup Brush Holder. Because you shouldn’t clown around with your clown face. You have to take that seriously if you’re in the clown game. Your face is your money shot. wait- I mean… Nevermind.

Click through for a bonus pic in which Stephen King endorses this mask. And finds Waldo! A very cute Waldo. I think she is the knitter. Also, I just learned that knitting is not the act of removing nits from some dirty kid’s hair. Or at least it’s not only that. Who knew? You learn something new every day.
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