Tag: octopus

Latex Tentacle Dress

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

etsy tentacle dress
If you have a thing for tentacles, feast your eyes on this Latex Tentacle Dress. Eh! Tentacles are for suckers! See what I did there? *It’s not really a joke if you have to explain it* Shut up or I’ll have Madame Octopus shoot you full of ink. *I had an inkling you might say that* Stop it, you’re stealing my thunder. The meds were supposed to silence you.

What’s Kraken m’lady? You look like a James Bond Villain in that dress. I’d like to be…under the sea…In an Octopuses garden…With you. Maybe have a picnic, eat an Octo-pie together. Heh Heh. Octopi. Hey just because you have eight arms doesn’t mean you get every slice! Back off sucker-arms!

Tentacle Porthole Lamp

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Tentacle Porthole Lamp
There’s a tentacle in my porthole. That sounds like a personal problem to me. Maybe while it’s in there it can give you a checkup. Why you- This post brought to you by the letter V. For the voices. In my head.

Now that the meds have kicked in and everything is going smoothly, I present to you this Tentacle Porthole Lamp. It’s as if a giant Kraken attacked a ship and was nice enough to bring it’s own light for you to die by. This thing is realistic as hell. I feel like I’ve been slimed just by looking at it. This is gonna look awesome in that Kraken themed room I’ve been planning. I have a lot of work to do. Better get Kraken!
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Deep Sea Critter Lid Lifters

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deep sea critter lid lifter
These Deep Sea Critter Lid Lifters are cool. You know what sea creatures hate? Pots that boil over. I know from personal experience because my wife is a raging sea hag and she can’t even cook a bowl of noodles. *dodges a bowl of flying boiling water* You missed me bi-

Update: Typing this from the library now because boiling water and blogging do not mix. Been picking boiled pasta from my keyboard for 2 hours. I’ll be headed to a Best Buy right after, so I can get screwed on a new laptop and no, if it doesn’t cover a rampaging wife from hell, I don’t want your warranty!

Anyway, where was I? Yeah, so these lid lifters look like sea creatures escaping from your boiling pot. That’s what all the food looks like in my house. Like me, everything just wants to escape her clutches. Looks like it’s going to be another night dining at Chez Kit-Kat with a side of Burger King. I better call Cthulhu and see if she simmered down before I head home. Also gonna get a waterproof case for my new laptop.

Chained Octopus Necklace

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

chained octopus necklace
I don’t have to tell you that Octopuses belong in chains. These ink squirting monstrosities are scary as hell. It’s because of these guys and sharks that I don’t get in the water. Ever. Screw you kraken! Still, this Octopus necklace is pretty stylish, even though I wouldn’t trust him around my neck, chained up or no. Octopuses are all grabby and clingy. Kinda like me on a date. They would call me Cthulhu. If they called at all. *sad face*

The seller has all kinds of cool necklaces. Some of them are other dangerous sea creatures too. Like the Zombie Octopus and Jellyfish below. Wear them at your own peril.
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Spocktopus 3D Printed Spock Octopus

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spocktopus
I don’t want to give you a shocktopus, but here is a 3D printed Spocktopus. I would have picked Sulu myself just so I could call him Cthul-Sulu, but whatever. Welcome to the bridge Mr. Spocktopus. I’m Captain Kirk. Not sure where you are gonna sit with those…whatever they are. Uhura is already complaining that you can’t keep your tentacles to yourself, but don’t worry about it. She doesn’t complain for long, if ya know what I mean. Am I right? It’s a real sausage-fest on this ship and she likes to think of me as Jimmy Dean.

Captain Kirk is such a jerk
Gave me a red shirt
Now I’m in the dirt
And damn those phaser burns hurt.
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