Octopus + Pug Dog = Octopug Necklace

Octopus + Pug Dog = Octopug Necklace
This Octopug Necklace combines two weird things that frighten me, natures Octopus and Natures Pug Dog. Fun fact: Octopi are the only pie I’m scared of. I’ll eat anything else up in a second. The Octopug is nature’s latest mutant creation. It is absolutely Pugnacious! (Just proving I can too use big words, even if I am just guessing at the meaning cuz I heard it somewhere.)

*Wears my new necklace as I walk around town all cool-like* Sup? Pug life yo! Check out my bling bling. I am so awesomely cool now. Thank you dog-tentacled thing!

Colorful Embellished Human Skull Replicas

Colorful Embellished Human Skull Replicas
Are you interested in these awesome Colorful Embellished Human Skull Replicas? Yeah? Going once. Going twice. Skulled to the highest bidder. I almost said bidet. They will not be sold to the highest bidet because 1) It’s too tall and 2)bidets don’t buy things. They just shoot water up your bum-hole.

Now that we have that cleared up, or should I say now that your butt has been sprayed clean, I can tell you about these fancy decorative skulls from etsy seller PoorYorickSkulls. They come in all kinds of styles and colors. Not all kinds of shapes cuz you know, skulls is skulls. My uncle used to say that. I would tug on his sleeve and say, “Isn’t she pretty uncle? She has a nice face.” He would look and say, “Eh. Skulls is skulls. But she’s got some nice *beep*. It rhymes with holes. My uncle was an ass. I should really visit him in jail someday soon.

Anywho these skulls is awesome. Here’s a song I wrote.

These skulls ain’t got no souls.
Ain’t got no use for Doctor Scholls.
Magic so hype,
They keep your daughters off poles.
Decorate yer house,
They frighten moles.
It’s got a nose hole,
And some eye holes,
You know you love it,
So shut your pie-holes.

*Drops mic. Walks away.*
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This Laughing Crow Necklace Is For The Birds

This Laughing Crow Necklace Is For The Birds
This Laughing Crow Necklace is just what I need this Christmas. Oh yeah, I need three crow wise men around my neck yakking my ears off. Crow, crow crow! Caw, caw, caw! “Go left. Go right. No, go straight ahead! Don’t listen to that bird brain! No, don’t listen to him! I’ll peck your eyes out! All you do is crow! Keep your beak outta my business!” See, they’re not laughing so much as being jerks! Loud, arguing jerks. Always pecking at each other.

I already have a headache. You know what they say, a bird in the hand is worth 3 on your chest. This is like having your very own awesome tri-bird-boob! It’s a C-Cup. Get it? C for Crows.

Cockroach Dinnerware: No Thanks, I just Ate!

Cockroach Dinnerware
Cockroaches will survive a nuclear apocalypse, these pieces of Cockroach Dinnerware from Etsy seller foldedpigs will at least survive the radiation from your microwave, so that you will always have creepy crawly tableware.

You can get insect infested plates, cups, bowls and more. Hell, my dinnerware already looks like this. I’ll put up a DIY so you can do it too, but basically just live in a pig sty and throw food everywhere. Then let it all bloom over a couple of months. By bloom I mean get moldy and stinky.
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Screaming Skull Shelf

Screaming Skull Shelf
Check out this Screaming Skull Shelf. He’s all like,”PUT SOME BOOKS ON ME! NOW! DO IT NOW! I NEED KNICK-KNACKS! I NEED IT NOW!” Damn son, calm yourself.

Two hours later. *Trying to sleep with a pillow over my head. Listening to the screaming.* I NEED A FLOWERPOT FOR MY SKULL. DECORATE ME NOW! DO IT NOW! I HAVE BECOME ONE WITH THE WALL. YOU WILL NEVER BE RID OF ME. I NEED A SMALL VASE!

Two hours after that. *Ding-Dong* Hello sir, we got a report of screaming coming from these premises. *Points to the skull shelf on the wall.*

OFFICER, GET ME A FRAMED PICTURE. DO IT NOW. GET ME ANYTHING! I MUST BE COMPLETE! A FISH BOWL! NOW!

Why do you always have these problems sir?

*Shrugs* You know I like to buy weird stuff. This stuff is weird. Stuff happens.

MAGAZINE PILES! NEED! DO IT NOW!

*Cop walks in. Grabs some books off a desk and puts them on the shelf. Shelf shuts the hell up at last, breathing heavy and relaxing.*

I AM COMPLETE! *Shelf falls asleep, snoring.*

*Cop looks at me.* Please stop buying this weird stuff, sir!