Tag: the truth is out there

Holographic Alien Necklace

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alien necklace
This necklace is holographic and psycho-futuristic. I just made that word up. I hope it goes viral. But in a good way. Not in a “scratch all night and it forms blisters” kind of way. Not only will this Holographic Alien Necklace look good on your neck. It will also make you dress up like a sexy future girl and twirl your hair as you kneel on a holographic floor.

You can’t say that about every necklace. I guess technically, it’s a choker, so aliens will be choking you. I guess you won’t mind because you will be looking so super-retro-back to the future-fly-sup-world that you won’t even care. Cool for you. Just bring me back a pair of those glasses. Please?
alien necklace

Alien Perfume

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Alien Perfume
I can only guess that Alien perfume smells like a cross between uranus, which they are probing, and the smell of pee from when you peed yourself during their experiments. Now you can wear the scent of a defiled and scared human all day long.

It comes in a cool bottle that looks all weird and alien. I’m pretty sure this is part of their plan. This scent will get you noticed. And when they notice, they’ll suck you up in the spaceship and then the fun begins.

Aliens Quilt: I Want To Believe

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Alien Quilt
This cool aliens quilt is just like the kind that grandma used to make. After she was abducted by aliens in the middle of the night. It’s full of little green that have eyes featuring NYC Times Square images with parts of buildings, statues, and other stuff.

If they come to get you at night and see this quilt, they will know that we know. Then you’ll wake up and they will know that we know that they know that we know. Ya know? Man, conspiracy stuff is crazy hard and confusing.

Weird Crawling Alien Figure

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Creepy alien figure
This Weird Crawling Alien Figure is creepy. It’s crawly. It has some sort of fetuses trailing along behind it. Or possibly alien poopy. Maybe both. He probably had Mexican for lunch, which everyone knows, gives humans diarrhea. It does the same for alien males, while also inducing birth.

Which explains why he is crawling around in agony, his guts all in a twist, dropping Cleveland steamers along with his babies. My god the smell! But also the miracle of life. Should we be sickened or joyful? Somewhere Jesus is smiling down over this stinky sulphur smelling miracle of life. I imagine the last kid being pushed out with one last massive fart that hits the alien right in the face, making him pass out. It is now time for the young to feast on their father. By now even Jesus is like WTF and you can tell he’s trying not to hurl. He changes the channel.

Vintage Taxidermy Fox With Human Wax Face

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fox taxidermy with human face
Ahhh. Look at the cute wittle fox. You so cute. You so- HOLY EVER LOVING GOD!

This Vintage Taxidermy Fox With Human Wax Face is freaky as hell. And you just know that scientists have already created something like this in their secret labs, forcing it to do funny tricks and stuff as they take selfies with it. Then when Muldar and Scully get too close to the truth they had to kill it, even though it had become an awesome scientist household pet and would watch Big Bang Theory with them every night, laughing and flinging it’s hybrid poo. The last thing we see is the cigarette smoking man incinerating the body. Ugh! I can’t look at it anymore.
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