Tag: werewolf

American Werewolf In London Painting

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american werewolf in london painting
Yep. I went on a trip to London last year and this American Werewolf In London Painting looks about right. Except my sweatpants were hanging way lower and I prefer Burger King. Plus, my bike had a bell.

Ding ding. Ding ding. Fat American tourist coming through. Out of the way. You damn English make it impossible to juggle 3 Whoppers, 4 orders of fries, a happy meal and an ice cream cone.

On the plus side Londoners are really good about you falling off of your bike and having a heart attack. Got me an ambulance in no time. Thanks Gov! Health care there is awesome too. I was on my feet and back to being a disgusting American in no time. MURICA!

This Wolf Motorcycle Helmet is Hairy And Scary

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wolf helmet
Hey there Little Red Riding Hood. You’re everything a big bad wolf could want. Why don’t you hop on my motorcycle and I’ll take ya to grandma’s house. You know this wolf helmet is awesome because it comes from Wolfhelmet.com. They aren’t messing around. They are all wolf helmet. All of the time.

Now when you do those sweet-ass stunts like jumping over fiery barrels, you can look awesome as your leg snaps in half. You may even be tempted to grab that hunk of meat by the bone and start gnawing on yourself. Cuz you know, Wolf helmet will transform you.

That’s how you know that you are a bad ass biker dude. You wipe out, you wolf down some dinner. That’s why you don’t see packs of werewolves on bikes. You wipe out, they feed, until there is only one.
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Yeti And Werewolf Faux Taxidermy

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Yeti and Werewolf Taxidermy
These Yeti and Werewolf heads are awesome. Why do I need a Yeti or a Werewolf head on my wall, looking like they tried to bust into my room like the Kool-Aid man, but got stuck when their fat heads came through? I just do. With a Yeti head on my wall I can have a Yeti sighting anytime I want. I’ll even go the extra mile and call it in to one of these Yeti sighting hotlines.

“Did you see a Yeti?”
Mocks her tone. Did you see a yeti? Yes. Yes I did.
“Where did you see it sir?”
In my livingroom. It’s looking at me right now.
“Are you in danger sir?”
Me? Pffft. I’m just chillin’ with a beer.
“Sir. You really should take this seriously. You are clogging up the lines for people who are really in danger.”
Whatevs. They don’t exist no how! Thanks for the drunk dialing adventure. Click.

Later that night… *Strange grinding noise is shaking the whole house. Sounds like some weird breathy electric saw too. Turns on the light to see an actual Yeti dry humping and having it’s way with my monster head.*
Oh, Hell no! Bad Yeti. Swats it with a rolled up newspaper. It runs away, darting out a window and leaving my now defiled monster head on the floor.

What the s**t! I guess they do exist!
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Limited Edition Classic Monster Garter Belt

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universal monsters garter belt
Oh my stars and garters! Whatever that means. All I know is that this Limited Edition Classic Monster Garter Belt is sexy time with monsters, which as it happens is also the name of my new band. Basically the idea is that we get up on stage and dry hump a bunch of monster props. I’m in charge of the mummy and boy am I chaffing right now. Who’s got some Goldbond powder? No one? Itchy itchy ouch ouch!

Since this thing is a limited edition, you know that your girl is going to be one of the select few covering her Universal monster with another universal monster. Aaahoooooo! Werewolves of lingerie Aaahooooooooooo!

Zombie Vs. Werewolf Socks

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zombie vs werewolf socks
These Men’s Zombie Vs. Werewolf Socks are awesome. And my tootsies haven’t had a monster death match in a long time. Now fight!

Who will win? I’m putting my money on the Werewolf because that Zombie looks like he’s almost passed out from that guy’s foot stink. Who am I kidding? Everybody wins with monster socks. I’m gonna just lay around and make them fight all day. Look out! The Werewolf has a knife! Ha. I knew that long toenail would come in handy. Finish him!