Author: Artemis Winterford

Stitched Skin Chest

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skin chest
Take that! Suck it you giant Troll. Guys I beat the boss! I’m gonna open the chest. Ewww. Wait! I’m not opening that. It’s looking at me from like every side. This thing is like a Beverly Hills housewife. You need a scalpel to open it up and get the money out! Only this thing ain’t gonna look any better after.

You can’t even try to pick the lock because the damn teeth will snap at you. Oh well, no skin off my chest. Seriously, stop looking at me. What did I say to have you in stitches anyway? You can keep all of your gold and sweet dungeon loot. We’re off to another dungeon. You might want to see a dermatologist pal.
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Houseware Of Horrors

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housewares of horrors
Etsy seller shaynegreco has all kinds of housewares with horrible things crawling all over them. Mostly sea creatures. The only time I’ve seen crabs this size crawling on plates was when I visited that “Gentleman’s club/ Diner” in New Orleans. (Bad combination. Do NOT recommend.) At least these won’t be moving and they won’t require a doctor in a hazmat suit to shut down the premises.

This seller has Octopi on platters, crabs on china and other monstrosities that don’t belong on your dishware. Every time you serve yourself on these creepy plates you are fighting creatures for your food. Get off Lobster! Mine! Go find Nemo and leave my food alone!
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This Wearable Cat Table Turns Your Kitty Into A Butler

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cat table
This is a table that your cat can wear. It turns your kitty into a slave. Now, I hear what your sayin’. Cat’s are already slaves to the internets, performing tricks and looking cute so you can haz the feels. But this wearable cat table turns them into real slaves. This may put butlers out of business. The Katatsu suit goes around your cats belly and attaches with velcro. On it’s back is a portable table.

“Jeeves come here I need you. After you finish up with the peeking out of the box game and have completed your crawling inside of the paper bag, press stop on the camera and I shall edit it later. I will then require some tea and krumpets for our guests. You know what to wear. Do provide enough LOLs for the guests. There’s a good cat.”
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Get Clean Lickety Split With Tongue Soap

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tongue soap
Dogs do it. Cats do it. You should too. I’m not talking about licking your own butt while you stick your leg in the air like some carnival freak. I am talking about cleaning yourself. With your tongue. Your soap tongue. This Human Tongue Soap will get you clean, but may leave you feeling dirty.

It’s perfect for bathing with your partner. Hey, can you tongue under my arms? I have some serious BO. Also, my butt is really dirty today. It needs some extra tongue. Yeah right there. That’s a little tongue in cheek humor, right there.

You can also get the “With Teeth” soap dish shown to go with it if you want to be really weird.

The World’s Coldest Hoodie

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worlds smallest hoodie
At last a hoodie for never nudes! This hoodie shows off your not-so-killer abs, but why are you always so cold? This awesome hoodie is all black with neon stitching and even has a zipper that- Well, let’s face it, that zipper doesn’t even matter. It does have a full hood though, so while your nipples are shriveled up so tight they squirt man-milk, your head will be warm and toasty.

Looks like it goes well with high heels, tube socks and a Village People construction guy mustache. YMCA biatches!