Category: Just Plain Weird

Nuke Lamp Glows In The Dark, Naturally

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

nuke lampThis Nuke Lamp in the shape of a mushroom cloud will lend an irradiated glow to your home. Usually only the cockroaches would survive a blast like this, but both you and those nasty creatures will be safe.

This amazing 3D printed lamp really splits my atoms. It’s rad! Get it? I love it a mega-ton! I hope I don’t get any fallout because of these lame jokes. I wish I had been alive in the 60s and had this lamp. I would have tricked all of my dates using the old “under the desk, duck and cover” routine. Nah, I’ll be fine sitting at the desk. Only enough room down there for one. You get under so you’re safe. Heh heh. While you’re down there…

*Hey that’s rude!*

What? I was gonna say to check if the carpet needs vacuuming.

*That’s sexist*

Well, I just meant.

*You shut up mister!*

When did the voice in my head get so mean and bossy?

Oktoberfest Skeleton Gnomes

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Oktoberfest Skeleton Gnomes
Make everyday Oktoberfest with these Oktoberfest Skeleton Gnomes in your garden. No one knows how to party like Oktoberfest Skeleton Gnomes. This pair may look cool and decomposed, but they turn it up to 11.

They raise their frothy mugs year round and look like they are about to fling some choice curse words at your neighbors. With these guys the party may be dead, but it goes on forever.

Special Occasion Diarrhea Toilet Paper

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

diarrhea toilet paper
This Diarrhea Toilet Paper reminds me that the only dance I can do is the cha cha. As in Diarrhea cha cha cha. It has funny diarrhea phrases all over. Which beats having actual diarrhea all over it. I just like typing diarrhea. Cha cha cha.

Use it for those special occasions. Like when you actually have diarrhea. Might cheer you up.

Puppy Pile-Up Game

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Puppy Pile-Up Game
Aw! Puppies. Now pile them on top of each other! For fun! This Puppy Pile-Up Game is all about using chopsticks to balance miniature dogs on top of a tower of teacups. So basically the same thing I do when i have tea.

*Sips loudly with my pinky extended.* Fluffy, come here. *Picks up my chopsticks. Tests them in my fingers. Looks at tiny dog. Looks back at chopsticks.* F**k it! *Drops chopsticks and picks the dog up with my hands. Balances it on a tower of teacups. *Now stay there Fluffy. I’m off to find the neighbor’s dog. If anyone stops by, don’t you dare tell them I cheated. You were picked up by chopsticks. Got it? Good!

I know you used to be the neighbor’s dog too. That was then this is now. Don’t sass me Fluffy.
Read more “Puppy Pile-Up Game”

Rattlesnake Skeleton Kit

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Rattlesnake Skeleton Kit
Man, this is one scary-ass Rattlesnake Skeleton Kit. They are actually scarier on the inside. This scale model recreates the bone structure of the Rattlesnake. Allow me to recreate my reaction to seeing this on my desk:

*Screams at the top of my lungs! Then smashes it into a million pieces while yelling for someone to call zombie pest control. Then breaths heavily while looking at the pulverized remains.* It’s okay honey. I killed it. I hope we stockpiled enough food to get through this nightmare. There’s bound to be more of them.

That was your birthday present you A**hole! And I hope you stockpiled enough sex to get you through the month while you sleep on the couch. Because there’s bound to be NONE!
Read more “Rattlesnake Skeleton Kit”