This Alien Head Planter makes fun of those grey alien abducting psychos, by giving them some crazy plant hair. Probably make ’em jealous too, cuz they don’t have hair and rogaine doesn’t work on their planet either. They might want to consider growing plants in their heads cuz that killer hair makes ’em look all cool, like it’s blowing in the wind like some 80s heartthrob.
The truth is out there and it’s friggin’ weird!
This Raven Claw Wall Mounted Hook is gonna come in real handy. I’m gonna mount it low on the wall and use it to scratch my back. You can use it as a coat hook, a jewelry hanger, you can put a crystal ball in it’s talons and make it look all creepy. It’s awesome cuz it looks like a bird just punched through your wall and is trying to grab at you. Just be careful when installing it. You have to be very talon-tid. ha ha ha ha ha. Not really that funny, I know. You know what is funny? Hanging one of those fake scrotums you see on the back of pick-up trucks in it’s talons. I am such an awesome interior designer! No need to thank me.
Ooooo-la-loch ness.Nah. Nessie isn’t in this Calendar of Sexy Monsters, but many other sexy beasts are here. Like a werewolf, the Blob, Bigfoot, a Xenomorph, the creature from the black lagoon and more. That’s a monster a month and it lasts a whole year long. Which is coincidentally what I say about the wife’s menstrual cycle, but that’s another story. Gotta go rub her feet or she’s gonna beat me up again. The stairs! I mean, I’m gonna fall down the stairs. I’m just clumsy. Coming dear!
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*Flips switch* Ow! Cut my finger on the teeth again. Ow! Damnit! Now I probably have an infection from Monster saliva. What the hell. I didn’t need the lights on anyway. Gonna use candles from now on. Stupid Monster Light Switch Cover Plates. Plus, that puddle of drool/saliva on the floor under the light switch is probably a safety hazard. These guys still aren’t housebroken. And I’m sick of brushing their teeth once a month! That’s more than I brush my own.
If you don’t mind all that, you can choose from this one or this one.
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Horror pigs! Pigs of horror! These Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees Piggy Banks from PigPatrol are a great way to save your money. This little piggy went to Elm Street. This little piggy went to Camp Crystal Lake. Both wallowed around in s**t and eventually got cut up for bacon, but that’s another story. You know what Jason piggy says? “Oink oink oink. Snort snort snort.”
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