Author: Artemis Winterford

Real Granny Panties: Golden Girls Underwear

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For Real Granny Panties Golden Girls Underwear
This 4 pack of Golden Girls underwear from Etsy shop BulletandBees will keep your crotch covered in old ladies for 4 out of the 5 business days of the week. I guess we need a fifth granny to round out the week. I vote for my granny. She’s always up in people’s business. Plus, she’s crotchety. Which means she’s grumpy, not that she likes to knit. Also, my granddaddy always used to say, “Get off my crotch woman!”

So yeah, I vote grandma. I hope she wins the panty election of 2015 and I get full credit as her campaign manager. She’s for the people and won’t leave ya crotch-less. Hope and change is her slogan. Not that that worked out so well last time. She HOPES that you will CHANGE your undies on a regular basis. What if you got into a car accident, for God’s sake?

Thanks Jeremy. I know you got yourself a 4 pack.

These Kraken Heels Are Tenta-Cool

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Unleash The Kraken... Heels
What’s Kraken baby? Your Kraken Heels that’s what? Now you can unleash it whenever you open your closet and put these bad boys on. When you wear a creature from the abyss, the abyss looks back at you. Cuz these shoes have eyes. I feel like a heel after typing that. These shoes are tenta-cool and hopefully not tenta-cruel to your feet. Now you will be taking each step with your tootsies wrapped in the cold and slimy embrace of a sea monster.

If your shoes have eyes, you are looking up your own skirt. Just saying. I hope you get a good eyeful of your own stuff.

Life Size Zombie Head Purse

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Life Size Zombie Head Handbag
This Life Size Zombie Head Purse is pre-shot for your enjoyment. It’s the perfect place to hold all of your post-apocalyptic necessities. Like guns, knives and first-aid kits. Plus, whenever you get accosted by a zombie you can just hold this head up and let ’em know you mean business. You wanna be next? Huh? How ’bout I install a zipper in that rotting melon you call a head and pack my makeup inside! You like that?

Speaking of makeup, that purse could use some eye cream. Check out all those bags under his eyes. I haven’t seen so many old and wrinkly bags since the 1986 Golden Girls convention, but when you’re a super fan like me ya just gotta deal. Look at the bloodshot eyes on this thing too. And the hole in the head. Maybe keep your lipstick in that hole for easy access.

Satanic Nativity Krampus Creche

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Satanic Nativity Krampus Creche
This is a nutty nativity. Wow. Two Krampus items in one day. Like Kanye West, I think this one comes to you straight from the Illuminati. This is going to be a special nativity to add to your holiday decorations. The Krampus is born! In the little town of Death-lehem! See what I did there? You might say that Krampus arrived by immaculate deception.

It comes with assorted demons and everything you need to celebrate the birth of Krampus. I think I see the three wise men. The guy with two heads, carrying the third head hung from their belt. Then there’s baby Krampus in the manger going all goo-goo and ga-ga and probably pooping himself. Not sure which one’s are brosef and Mary. This is a pretty frightful nativity for your shelf

Merry Krampus to all and to all, a good night!
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Don’t Cuddle The Krampus

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Don’t Cuddle The Krampus
Parents use the myth of Krampus to make their kids behave around Christmas time, but what if this creature was cute and cuddly? Warpo aims to make Krampus a creature that kids can love with their “Don’t Cuddle The Krampus” Kickstarter.

Krampus comes with 3 naughty kids, which you can help him to hunt down and put in his bag. That’s what he did back in the old days. He put kids in bags, beat ’em up real good and tossed them in a lake or something. You are basically teaching kids to become this mythic creature themselves. Sure. Let’s make all of our kids evil while doing Krampus’ job for him. He probably started this kickstarter himself just so he could be lazy and get some time off. That kind of thinking is why he’s my hero.