Author: Artemis Winterford

Imprison Your Cell Phone In This Cell Phone Cage

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cell phone cage
In this connected world that we live in sometimes you have to force yourself to break away from Facebook, Snapchat and the like, and spend some time having actual face to face communication. And since we all have zero willpower, that means you have to lock up your phones in a maximum security prison.

That’s what this cell phone cage is all about. You can lock multiple phones in this jail for up to 60 minutes at a time. It even has little bunks they can sleep on. When the time expires, it will play silly audio like “Justice is served, power up!”, “You are now free to phone”, and “It’s time to rejoin digital society”. And if it’s opened an alarm will sound.

Oh so you are texting in the middle of my story about how I got a sweet deal at the store? You have to take that call now do you? Right when we are in the middle of a board game? Your phone is incarcerated pal! This time with no possibility of parole!

Your phone now has a 30 day sentence. I found a micro SD shiv on the top bunk and the Samsung in the bunk below has a scratch.

Dragon Dice

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dragon dice
Dragon Dice! The game of dragons and dice! New from Spaz-bro! These dragon dice are just what a nerd like me needs to up my D and D cred with my dungeon-mates. I kind of opened a door without checking for traps. Then ran in and found myself in the center of like 50 sleeping Orcs in their barracks. Who all woke up because I yelled, “What’s up biatches!” So much for stealth.

As punishment they fireballed and lightninged the whole room, with me in it. They haven’t let me play since, even though I brought cookies last time. These dragon dice should make up for it. Then I’ll be back to getting people killed in no time.
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Pirate Shipwreck Bed

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pirate ship bed
My parents never bought me anything cool like this Authentic Pirate Ship Bed. Instead they poured all of their hard-earned money into a college education and look how well that worked out. I still pretend I’m a Veterinarian when I call home and on Christmas I surround myself with 3-legged dogs and the like when they come over. Sometimes they ask me to diagnose their pets and sadly, the easiest way to lie my way through it, is with a needle and the words “This really is the kindest thing for him.”

It’s their own fault. If they had just spent their money on this awesome Pirate bed we would all be happier and their pets might live longer lives.
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Zombie Head Candles: Do I Smell Brains?

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zombie candles
These small zombie candles look like Simpsons zombies. Sure, you’ll smell their brains burning, but at least you get to watch some heads bleed and melt. The seller says that their names are Homer, Eyegore, Homer with blood and Fergal.

You can get them with or without blood splatters. They are perfect for Halloween or as a stress reliever. Call me crazy, but there’s something soothing about watching heads melt. Maybe that’s just me.

Custom Pet Portrait Pillow Plush

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pet pillows
So how do you want to remember Sparky and Fluffy when they are long gone? By looking at an urn on the mantle? Nah. Pet ashes fall on the carpet and make a mess. Then you breath that jazz in and get all possessed by your cat. Eventually being sent to the nuthouse after you have scratched up all of the furniture and peed in the corner too many times. There’s a better way.

Put your pets image on these Custom Pet Portrait Pillow Plushes. That way you can still cuddle and hug your pet. Having a giant cat head on your couch will still look creepy, but it beats the alternative of lifting your leg and peeing in your padded cell.
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