Author: Artemis Winterford

H.R. Giger Alien Heels: In Space No One Can Hear Your Calves Scream

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alien shoesThese Alien inspired heels are super scary. I keep waiting for a second mouth to come out of the toe area and drool everywhere. Would I date a woman wearing these shoes? Hell to the no! No way am I letting her spend the night so that her shoes can go on a killing spree in my spaceship. And no way am I going to her place to find out what other shoes she has in her closet of horrors.

These shoes are so scary you need a Giger counter to measure the fear. Ha. See what I did there. I am so awesome. High five. How about a hug instead? Ahhh. Tricked you, I’m a face hugger!
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The Butt Towel

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butt towelButts. Everybody has one. You get out of the shower and you try to cover it up, but the towel just falls anyway. I say if you have it flaunt it and if it is covered by a towel you can still show it off with this cheeky Butt towel.

Saggy butt? Droopy dumper? Now your butt will always look buff and cartoony after each shower, while your real and likely acne riddled butt hides beneath. This is like plastic surgery that you can put on and take off of your poop-shooter.

Necronomicon Tablet Cover: Protect Your iPad, Doom The World

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necronomicon coverHey, thanks for the Necronomicon tablet cover. What a great gift! Now every time I play Angry Birds I’m opening a portal to some ancient and evil place. No, really, I’m enjoying it. Just what I wanted. I love getting choked by a Cthulhu tentacle in the middle of the night as it reaches out of my tablet. Know what else I love? Coming home from work and finding cultists in a circle in my livingroom playing Fruit Ninja and eating all my snacks.

Oh man, those veins on the cover are bulging. *A dark wind is kicking up, swirling about a nasty sulfur smell* This ain’t good! Yeah, I really love my gift you a**hole. Next time get me a blender. Hold on to some furniture! Prepare for what I like to call a demon fart!
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Custom Domino’s Pizza Noid Mech Figure

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noidI know I’m supposed to avoid the Noid because he just wants to ruin my pizza by crushing it or making it cold, but I just can’t resist this awesome custom figure from KodykoalaToys, maker of all kinds of cool customs.

Remember when they had that rule about delivery in 30 minutes or your pizza is free? Good times. The trick to free pizza in those days was to order from a pay phone outside of the Domino’s shop and then pour sugar in the driver’s gas tank. Then when they go to use another car you block that one in. After that you run around the parking lot in your Noid costume and act crazy. The driver will run back inside because everyone fears the Noid. Steal a car and park it on the sidewalk so it blocks the door. By now at least 15 minutes have passed. The police are almost here. They will arrive in a minute and take their time questioninging the workers. Flip everyone the bird and laugh maniacally. Then go home and await your free pizza and an apology. Ah memories.
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Apron Of Flesh With Bonus Purse Of Flesh

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flesh apronHey, serial killers have to cook too. And nobody likes to stain their clothes. I’m not sure how many people had to die to make this flesh apron, but judging by the amount of eye-holes that I see, there are at least 7 extra people invited to dinner.

I hear ya. It needs an accessory just as fleshy. To flesh it out. You’re thinking, “It’s cool and all, but this outfit needs more skin in the game if I’m gonna buy it”. Well, you can also get a matching Flesh Purse. Now you are all set to host a dinner that your guests will never forget…And never leave.

Yeah, this is from the same Etsy seller that gave us the People Pot Pie, so we already know what’s on the menu.
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